The other morning, while driving my youngest to school, he dropped his favorite toy.
His cries filled the car—the kind of intensity every parent knows when you’re trapped in a moving vehicle with a distressed child.
That familiar knot hit my stomach. You know the one: when your child is falling apart and nothing you do seems to make it better.
Society tells us that meltdowns are “bad.” Our elders tell us to shut them down as quickly as possible, often with punishment, consequences, or distractions. Nearly every parenting educator on social media says to teach your kid breathing techniques or reason with them.
There’s so much information out there, and most of it just isn’t that effective. Here’s why:
Because the storm itself isn’t the problem. It’s part of your child’s developmental process.
It’s part of the human process.
Your role in big-feeling-moments isn’t to stop the storm. It’s to be the buoy.
That means saying with your presence—not your words:
“I see you. I won’t let you sink. I won’t drown either. We’re in this together.”
This is what co-regulation looks like in action.
I know it’s not easy…believe me.
I did not come from a regulated, supportive home.
I was born into violence and chaos, and have spent 21 years unlearning my dysregulated past, rewriting my story, and rewiring my nervous system.
Co-regulation starts with you.
It’s not about clever scripts or perfect strategies.
It’s about your ability to stay steady, so your child can anchor to you while they ride out the wave of their emotions.
That morning in the car, instead of scrambling to “fix it,” I said:
“Yes, my love, you’re so disappointed you dropped your toy. What a bummer. I know you want it back so badly.”
He kept crying. Then whimpering.
And eventually, he settled.
Not because I solved it.
But because I stayed present.
This is what so many parents overlook: learning how to calm yourself so your child can find their calm.
Join Us for Nourishment
If staying calm during your child’s big emotions feels impossible some days, join me for Conscious Parent Group Coaching. In our monthly live conscious parent coaching, I guide you through your specific parenting questions. I help you strengthen your nervous system and show you how to respond to your child with more steadiness and connection, so both of you feel calmer, safer, and more supported at home.
When you enroll in the Conscious Mommy Community, you get:
✨ Live weekly classes with Bryana Kappadakunnel, LMFT—with guidance tailored to your child’s age (Birth–5, 6–12) plus deep dives into real-life challenges like sibling struggles, ADHD, and strong-willed behavior.
✨ Full access to the on-demand class library—so you can revisit the tools you need, whenever you need them, at your own pace.
✨ Connection with other conscious parents—a supportive community where you can ask questions, get immediate support, and know you’re not alone.
✨ Practical, evidence-based strategies—designed to help you regulate your nervous system, decode your child’s behavior, and respond effectively in tough moments.
✨ Direct coaching from Bryana—through live Q&As, interactive teaching, and reflective exercises. No AI bots...ever!
✨ Built-in accountability and encouragement—so what you learn doesn’t just stay theoretical, but becomes part of your daily parenting.
✨ A path toward lasting change—giving you clarity and confidence to raise your kids with calm and connection, while breaking free from old generational patterns.
It’s common to struggle to stay centered during your child’s big emotions if you’re missing the most important first step. Once you embody this step, everything about helping your child calm down becomes clearer and infinitely more doable.
Here’s how…
How Parents Can Help Children Calm Down
Unfortunately, most parents get lost in searching for the "right" way to calm their children down in the moment.
The real magic of co-regulation happens as you learn how to stay rooted in yourself while the storm surrounds you.
Rather than getting caught up in your child's intensity—which, admittedly, is so easy to do!—focus your attention on feeling your breath in your body. Notice your feet on the floor.
This simple but effective action creates a steadiness within you, allowing you to respond compassionately and effectively.
Your steady nature is also what helps your child learn to trust that big feelings aren't something to fear. Instead, they're normal hurdles that we all learn to jump.
When your nervous system models calm—again and again—eventually, it becomes the air your child breathes.
Why Co-Regulation Works
Co-regulation is an essential foundation for your child's mental health. Like running alongside them as they learn to ride a bike, you're not just explaining balance—you’re providing support until they can manage on their own.
Each time you stay calm, you’re showing your child’s body what safety feels like. You’re giving their nervous system a chance to practice coming back down from stress—instead of getting stuck in fight, flight, or shutdown. Over time, this builds your child’s skills to handle big feelings, giving them the confidence to face all of life's challenges with resilience, grit, and courage.
The Common Mistakes Parents Make in the Heat of the Moment
When kids are overwhelmed, it’s easy for us as parents to slip into habits that accidentally make things harder:
- Trying to reason too soon. Big feelings shut down the thinking brain. Explaining or lecturing in the middle of a meltdown usually bounces right off.
- Rushing them out of it. “You’re fine” or “Calm down” can send the message that their emotions are too much, instead of showing them it’s safe to feel.
- Matching their intensity. When we yell, threaten, or get frantic, our child’s nervous system has no anchor to hold onto.
If you do these things, you're in great company! But I want to be clear: it’s not that you’re doing it wrong. It's that these strategies don’t create the learning we hope for.
So why do we all do them so often? Because this is what was modeled for most of us growing up. It takes intention—and practice—to replace those patterns with something new.
If you’ve been looking for a more effective way to respond to your child’s emotions, keep reading.
Calming Strategies for Kids
Every child is different, so their preferred calming techniques will vary.
The most important thing to remember is this: what goes up, must come down. Eventually, the surge of emotions you’re witnessing will settle—often with little active input from you, other than your willingness to stay attuned, compassionate, and present.
Just knowing that you’re in the thick of it with them helps your child feel safe and secure.
Calming Strategies for Toddlers
- Sensory play: squeezing playdough, coloring, or hugging a stuffed animal.
- Movement release: stomping their feet, crossing arms, and letting out a great big roar.
These physical outlets can help little ones move disgruntled energy through (and out of) their bodies.
Calming Strategies for Older Kids
- Quiet activities: journaling, reading, listening to soft music, or using a weighted blanket.
- Connection: being held, rocked, or simply sitting close. Never underestimate the power of human-to-human physical contact when things feel overwhelming.
- Space: some kids need alone time—give it to them without judgment.
- Safe outlets for big energy:
- Scream into a pillow.
- Punch a boxing bag.
- Take a lap around the block (with you alongside them).
The key is to help your child find constructive ways to let those feelings move through their body, instead of bottling them up.
How to Calm an Angry Child
When your child is angry, your first job is to stay calm and patient. Anger can feel overwhelming for kids because they don’t yet have the tools to process it effectively. Here are three ways to support them:
- Acknowledge the anger. Simple reflections like, “I see you’re really angry right now. It makes sense, buddy,” help your child feel seen and understood.
- Stay present without judgment. Describe what you notice: “You’re stomping those big feelings out!” If their behavior crosses into unsafe territory, set a clear limit in a supportive tone: “Hitting isn’t the way to get those angry feelings out. Let’s move somewhere safe.”
- On the come-down, bring awareness to the body. Ask gentle questions like:
- “What do you feel in your hands? In your belly? In your heart?”
- “Is it heavy? Hot? Sweaty? Does it move fast?”
This helps your child connect physical sensations with emotions. Over time, they’ll learn to notice feelings without judgment—which makes it easier to let them pass. You can begin this practice around age 4, keeping in mind it takes repetition for kids to build this kind of awareness.
How to Support Kids With Anxiety
Children with anxiety often need proactive strategies to help them feel grounded:
- Provide structure: visual schedules, countdown timers, or a dedicated calm-down space.
- Try grounding exercises: ask your child to name one thing they can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste to bring them back into the present.
Remember: when we’re stuck in the past, depression flourishes. When we’re stuck in the future, anxiety grows. But in the here-and-now, neither can survive.
Deep Breaths and Self-Regulation
Deep breathing is a proven way to reduce stress by activating the body’s natural relaxation system.
The key is to practice outside of meltdowns. For example:
- After school, pause before homework or chores.
- Turn off distractions.
- Sit together, play calming music, and take slow breaths as a family.
A simple practice is “balloon breathing”: ask your child to pretend they’re blowing up a balloon in their belly, filling it with slow, deep breaths. This is especially helpful for kids who are hyperactive or overwhelmed by sensory input.
Teaching Self-Regulation Over Time
Helping kids calm down isn’t only about getting through meltdowns and tantrums—it’s about building lifelong resilience.
The best way to teach this? Model it yourself.
- Take a deep breath when you’re frustrated.
- Unclench your jaw.
- Feel your feet on the floor.
- Let emotions move through without judgment or the need to change them right away.
When you practice this consistently, your child learns that even big feelings can be managed with safety and presence.
Remember This
Helping your child calm down isn’t about perfection — it’s about presence. When you choose to show up with steadiness, even when the storm feels overwhelming, you’re teaching your child the most important lesson of all: that big feelings are survivable, and that they don’t have to go through them alone.
This is the real work of conscious parenting — not quick fixes, not clever scripts, but a daily practice of returning to your own calm so you can guide your child back to theirs.
And you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
In Conscious Parent Group Coaching, we practice this together in real time. I’ll walk with you through your hardest parenting moments, help you strengthen your nervous system, and show you how to bring more steadiness, connection, and peace into your home — even when emotions run high.
👉 Join the Conscious Mommy Community here
Because when you learn how to anchor yourself, you give your child the greatest gift: the confidence to face life’s big feelings with resilience, safety, and trust.
Relevant Resources:
🔗 How to Co-Regulate When Your Validation Isn't Landing Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.
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