My client told me, “I grew up in a family that would say negative comments then say, ‘But I love you.’ This caused a lot of damage to my confidence. For example, when I was 14: ‘That dress makes you look fat, but I still love you.’ Now my family is doing the same thing to my kids. Do I cut ties? How do I explain that to the kids?”
When love is twisted by shame, it creates deep pain and emotional confusion. These kinds of mixed messages - “You're not good enough, but I love you” - don’t feel like love. They feel like rejection disguised as connection.
And yet...so many of us were taught to accept shame-based love without question.
We often feel like we have to be perfect or hide perceived "undesirable" parts of ourselves just to keep the person we love happy. This cycle of hiding leads to more shame, and eventually to self-betrayal.
When this cycle starts in childhood, it teaches children to abandon themselves.
To morph into what they think others want them to be. Even if it's detrimental to their mental health.
Even if it leads to wounds like, "I'm not good enough," "I'm a failure," and, "I'm all alone."
When this becomes your default way of being, it’s not just your relationships that deteriorate - it’s your confidence, your sense of emotional safety, your life force.
But I know you already know this. And I know that when you witness the Shame cycle alive and well in your children, every fiber in your being screams, “This stops with me.”
⭐️ I wrote Parent Yourself First, which Eli Harwood from Attachment Nerd called The Cycle Breaker's Almanac. I've helped thousands of parents raise confident, compassionate kids by becoming the parents they wish they'd had.
You don't have to have had a good childhood to be a good parent. If you've read all the parenting books, yet you find yourself continually yelling, overreacting, or {gasp} behaving like your parent did 😱, then please check your local library (or order your own Hardcover, Kindle, or Audiobook) and let's heal, grow, and transform your family life...together.
Let’s explore what toxic shame really is, and how it confuses even the most loving relationships.
Toxic Shame: When Love and Rejection Become Entangled
Toxic shame is the painful belief that there’s something wrong with you at your core.
It’s not the kind of shame that helps you learn from a mistake or encourages you to make a repair.
It’s the kind that sticks, grows, and convinces you that you’re bad, broken, or not enough - just for being who you are.
This kind of shame usually starts in childhood, especially when big feelings like sadness, anger, or fear were met with criticism, punishment, or emotional withdrawal.
Parents who respond this way are often carrying their own unprocessed shame wounds. Without thoughtful reflection and conscious effort to break the cycle, that pain gets passed down - unintentionally.
This is what’s known as the intergenerational transmission of trauma. It’s insidious. Sneaky.
Hiding in the very places where we felt harmed but unprotected.
Because when we were kids, no one acknowledged the hurt. No one stepped in to say, “That wasn’t okay.” So now, as adults, we minimize it. We say things like, “It wasn’t that bad” or “I turned out fine.”
And without realizing it… we repeat what was done to us.
Over time, toxic shame doesn't lead kids to just feel bad about what they did. Instead, they start to feel bad about who they are.
Toxic shame sounds like:
- “I’m always too much."
- “I ruin everything.”
- “I don’t belong.”
- “I have to be perfect to be loved.”
And here’s where it becomes even more confusing:
Shame doesn’t always sound like cruelty. Sometimes, it’s disguised as love.
- “You’d be so beautiful if you just lost a little weight.”
- “I only say these [hurtful] things because I love you.”
- “You’re easier to love when you’re happy.”
Shame has a way of threading itself through relationships, language, and even affection.
It makes you feel like you have to earn love. And even harder to receive love.
It may even make you question whether the love you’re given is real… or just performative.
This is the emotional tug-of-war toxic shame creates:
Be yourself...but not like that.
Over time, children - and the adults they become - learn that love is conditional. That emotional safety can be revoked. That their needs are too big, their feelings too sensitive, their bodies too wrong.
So they hide. They perform. They shrink themselves.
Until one day… they see their child doing the same thing.
And that’s the moment everything shifts.
It’s not your fault if you carry this kind of shame, but it is possible to heal it.
By learning how to notice it, name it, and respond with compassion, you begin breaking the cycle...and protecting your kids from inheriting the same pattern.
Breaking the Shame Cycle Starts With You
Shame doesn’t end because you say “no” to someone.
Shame ends when you stop saying “yes” to the internalized messages that tell you you’re not enough.
That’s why the first step isn’t always cutting ties. Sometimes the deeper work is found in the space between reaction and response.
Here’s the truth: Patterns will only stop repeating themselves when you stop repeating yourself. That means meeting the moment consciously, rather than reflexively.
Before you run away, ask yourself:
Am I open to this hard moment potentially teaching me something?
(Note: Not every hard experience is meant to be a teacher. Sometimes the most loving act is distancing. But if you’re open, this can be a powerful beginning.)
Have a Chat With Shame
One powerful tool I recommend is pausing to connect with the Shame part. Shame gets the most activated the more we suppress it. What gets repressed eventually gets expressed. If you don't want Shame spiraling you out of control, the best thing you can do for yourself (and for your children) is to build a better understanding of how Shame arrives to protect you, and how release its grip from your system.
- Find where the shame energy lives in your body. Sit quietly. Notice where tension or heat arises.
- Place your hand over that area. This creates space between you and the shame.
- Ask it what it’s here for. Let it speak without judgment. What does it need? What does it fear?
- Thank the shame for its message. Imagine placing it in a waiting room. Let it know you’ll come back when you’re ready.
This somatic process helps you meet the feeling with curiosity instead of resistance. It shifts you out of shame’s power and into self-awareness.
Your self-awareness is one of the most important steps you can take to be an emotional safe haven for your kids.
How to Help Your Kids Feel Emotionally Safe
As a licensed therapist, my most critical job in serving children and parents is building more emotional safety between them. Trust, joy, confidence, self-esteem, empathy, compassion, and even critical thinking skills all take root when our core needs for emotional safety are met.
For us to feel emotionally safe, we need to feel seen, heard, and understood.
Essentially, it's so important for you to give your children the experience of feeling felt by you.
Here are three things you can say to your kids to protect them from shame and give them the feeling that you truly 'get' them:
- There is nothing wrong with you. When others act like there is, it’s usually because they’re avoiding their own pain.
- You don’t have to do anything to earn love. If someone makes you feel otherwise, come talk to me. I will always love you just as you are.
- You can say, “Please stop, I don’t like that.” Others might not like hearing it. That’s okay. It’s not your job to make people comfortable. It’s your job to speak with kindness and honesty.
These simple messages do more than just comfort in a vulnerable moment. They become the inner voice your child carries with them for life, teaching them how to speak to shame with kindness, not criticism.
What If Your Child Already Feels Shame?
Shame is a normal human emotion. It's healthy to feel shame if you've done something wrong. We want to avoid actively shaming our children in the ways described here. But we also want to keep our expectations level: it's likely that your child will encounter Shame at some point along their journey.
If you’re noticing that your child is expressing their shame through behavior - like hiding after making mistakes, calling themselves stupid, or shutting down emotionally - start here:
- Normalize the emotion. “It’s okay to feel this way. Shame visits all of us sometimes.”
- Reflect safety. “You’re not in trouble. You’re allowed to make mistakes.”
- Stay close. Don’t rush to fix. Just stay present.
The goal is not to remove all discomfort. It’s to create a space where discomfort doesn’t turn into disconnection. Where discomfort can be dealt with and emotional pain can be better managed.
Let’s Make Shame Stop With This Generation
Shame may have been a core part of how you were raised, but it doesn’t have to be how you raise your kids.
You can teach your children to:
- Trust their feelings
- Express their needs
- Speak up when something feels wrong
- Know they’re lovable without condition
And the more you Parent Yourself First (book title absolutely intended!), the more capacity you’ll have to guide your children through the very things you were never taught.
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Relevant Resources:
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