“My daughter has been through the wringer and my mom heart is both broken and furious.”
That’s how one parent in our membership program described what happened when her 10-year-old discovered that a group of girls she thought were her friends had been secretly listing all the reasons they didn’t like her—on a group chat. One of the girls even screen-shared the messages, knowing it would devastate her.
The child's anxiety grew so intense that she became physically ill. Her grades started slipping, and her teachers voiced their concern—in front of the entire class. Once confident, she began doubting herself, feeling as if everything she knew was unraveling. Worried that asking for her mom's help would only make things worse, she began isolating herself from her family and friends. It felt safer to hide than to keep facing these challenges.
If you’ve ever watched your child get pulled into friendship drama or come home upset after being singled out in the classroom, you know how overwhelming it feels. You want to protect them. You also want to teach them how to handle hard moments with strength.
And at the same time, you may also feel the helplessness that often comes with rejection and public call-outs. Our own wounds can make helping children in challenging situations that much more difficult.
Growing up, you may have heard advice from adults like, "Just ignore them. They're just jealous." While we may know that emotional immaturity is the real culprit for friendship drama and even classroom call-outs, our kids don't need empty platitudes. They need emotional support and conflict resolution skills.
Here's why: both peer friendships and classroom perceptions are central to how children build identity, social skills, and resilience during the school years. When kids feel excluded, shamed, or misunderstood, they can quickly internalize the message that something is “wrong” with them. But with your support, these struggles can become powerful opportunities for growth.
Why Friendships Matter in the School Years
Friendships between ages 6–12 are not just about having playmates. They’re at the core of your child’s self-esteem and mental health.
Kids who feel included and accepted by peers often grow into adults with stronger confidence, better stress management skills, and a greater ability to form healthy relationships. On the other hand, children who experience frequent rejection or exclusion are at greater risk of carrying feelings of loneliness, self-doubt, and anxiety into adolescence and adulthood.
In other words, the way children learn to belong during these years can echo into who they believe themselves to be later in life.
When children have healthy friendships, they:
- Show stronger engagement in school
- Build better emotional regulation skills
- Develop resilience when faced with challenges
But when they face friendship problems—such as exclusion, gossip, or unstable peer groups—they may feel lonely, anxious, or even avoid school. These struggles can spill over into academics and classroom behavior.
The Messy Reality of Friendships
Friendships have always been messy. Disagreements, shifting loyalties, and even “best friend breakups” are part of how children learn conflict resolution and empathy.
But if friendships feel messier to you now than they did when you were growing up, you’re not imagining it.
Making friends isn’t easy—especially in today’s world. Compared to the 90s and early 2000s, when kids spent hours in unstructured neighborhood play and friendships were mostly built face-to-face, today’s children have fewer natural opportunities to connect.
Increased screen time, reduced free play, more structured group activities, and rising academic pressures limit the practice kids need to build social skills. Add to that the digital layer—where exclusion is visible and drama never really turns off—and it’s no wonder many children struggle to form and maintain healthy friendships.
For kids with underlying social-emotional challenges, the task becomes even harder. This doesn’t mean friendships are impossible, but it does mean children need more guidance and support from the adults in their lives to navigate them.
It’s important to remember: ups and downs are normal. Children are still practicing conflict resolution, empathy, and boundaries.
Common friendship challenges include:
- Exclusion and cliques. Being left out hurts, but it’s part of how kids experiment with belonging.
- Friendship drama. “Best friend” breakups and shifting loyalties are practice for learning empathy and perspective-taking. It's hard to stomach, but it's an important part of everyone's growth process.
- Bullying vs. conflict. Not all meanness is bullying. Conflict is usually reciprocal, while bullying is repeated, one-sided, and rooted in power. As parents, you can help your child understand the difference—and know when to handle a problem themselves versus when to seek help.
These developmental bumps have been around forever—but what’s changed is the digital world, which amplifies conflict, makes exclusion more visible, and adds pressure kids aren’t yet equipped to manage alone.
The Digital Layer of Friendship
In the past, school drama was left at school. But today’s friendships extend into group chats, social media, and online games. This adds a whole new dimension to parenting and to the way children experience connection.
- FOMO and exclusion. Seeing friends post about an event can intensify feelings of being left out.
- Amplified drama. Screenshots and group messages can escalate disagreements beyond the playground.
- Developmental mismatch. Children don’t yet have the impulse control or perspective-taking skills to navigate digital conflict alone.
This is why access matters. Children under 16—or those who are not yet emotionally mature—simply don’t have the developmental readiness to handle the intensity of online relationships, the permanence of digital footprints, or the risks of harmful subcultures
Limiting or delaying access to internet-connected devices isn’t about overprotecting your kids or not preparing them for the "real world". It’s about giving kids the time and space to develop the social skills, emotional regulation, and resilience they need first.
When kids do go online, the communities they join can shape their worldview. Some are constructive—like collaborative gaming groups, art-sharing communities, or fandom spaces that encourage creativity and belonging. Others are harmful, like the “manosphere” or “groypers,” which normalize cruelty, exclusion, and hostility. Until children are old enough to discern the difference, it’s safer for parents to set firm limits.
We already recognize that certain privileges — driving, drinking, even voting — require maturity. Yet when it comes to internet-connected devices, children as young as 9 or 10 are handed unfiltered access to worlds they are not developmentally ready to navigate. Research is clear: unmonitored internet use before adolescence is linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, online harassment, and family disconnection. Protecting your child by delaying access isn’t alarmist — it’s responsible parenting.
Delaying access to social media and unmonitored tech is the first step. But when your child does enter the digital world, they need coaching, not just rules.
- Encourage your child to pause before posting or replying.
- Use screenshots as teachable moments.
- Talk through questions like: “How did that feel? What might you try next time?”
- Watch The Social Dilemma and Adolescence with your kid and ask them to reflect on the central themes.
- Teach your child about Sextortion—the manipulation tactic where predators pressure kids to share explicit images—so they know how to recognize it.
- Prepare your children for accidental exposure to pornography—and what to do if/when that happens.
These simple strategies turn online struggles into practice for the very same social and emotional skills kids need offline.
When Friendship Stress Spills Into Classroom Behavior
A child who feels excluded or hurt by peers may act out in the classroom—or withdraw completely.
Many schools rely on behavior charts, clip-down systems, or color codes to manage behavior. Threats of in-school suspension and Saturday detention are meant to keep kids in line, yet they often ignore the underlying emotions and needs that drive negative behavior in the first place. While these may control behavior short-term, research shows that shame-based systems erode a child's self-esteem and undermine intrinsic motivation.
Children who are frequently labeled as “bossy,” “disruptive,” or “the troublemaker” risk internalizing these roles as their identity.
That’s why parents play a vital role in protecting their child’s sense of self and reframing what these behaviors really mean. Parents can help reframe how their child is seen, highlighting strengths while also addressing areas of struggle. In other words, help the school see your child beyond limiting labels by proudly advocating for their strengths and unique talents.
Partnering With Teachers Without Alienation
Advocating for your child doesn’t mean battling with the school. Teachers are often doing their best in systems that emphasize compliance and have little wiggle room for kids who need a specialized approach.
Use collaborative language:
- “Here’s what I’ve noticed at home—what are you seeing at school?”
- “How can we work together to support my child?”
- "Here’s what works best for my child."
If behavior charts or public shaming are harming your child, suggest alternatives: private feedback, positive reinforcement, or more breaks from classroom demands. If your child is struggling more days than not, discuss increasing your child's support at school through a 504 Plan or Individualized Education Plan (IEP).
When you frame yourself as a partner, not an opponent, teachers are more likely to listen—and collaborate.
And collaboration is exactly what children need in order to thrive academically, socially, and emotionally.
What Parents Can Do to Support Their Child
1. Hold Space For Messy Friendships
You may feel a deep longing to take the pain away from your child. Of course you do: you love your child and hate to see them suffering.
At the same time, one of our most crucial jobs is to help our children learn how to be with their pain. We cannot rescue, but we can ensure that they don't feel alone in it. Here's some steps you can take:
- Don’t minimize the struggle. If making friends feels harder for your child, it probably is. Honor the struggle. You don't have to have all the answers—nor does your kid expect you to.
- Look for ways to create unstructured connection. Neighborhood play, weekly multi-family hangouts, family game nights, or small group activities can give kids the practice they aren’t getting at school.
- Coach them through digital drama.Help your child pause before responding, reflect on what they saw or felt, and consider healthy next steps.
- Teach perspective-taking. Remind your child that conflict doesn’t mean failure—it’s practice for learning how to work with others.
2. Practical Tools for Home and School
Beyond holding space, children also need guidance in building skills and confidence.
- Protect Their Identity at Home. Always separate who your child is from what they do. Instead of: “You’re being bad.” Try: “You had a tough moment, but you’re still good.” This reminder helps children stay focused on all of the gifts they possess.
- Respond With Curiosity, Not Panic. When you hear about classroom misbehavior or friendship drama, resist the urge to jump straight to punishment. This teaches your child that their behavior is communicating an unmet need, and gives you a platform for teaching them how to get their needs met in more constructive ways. Ask questions that get to the root:
- “What happened right before?”
- “How were you feeling?”
- “What helped you calm down?”
- Coach Social and Emotional Skills. Children don’t automatically know how to resolve conflict. You can practice to help them feel confident navigating both friendships and classroom expectations:
- Role-play tricky friendship situations
- Teach phrases like “That hurt my feelings” or “I need a break”
- Practice calming strategies like breathing or movement break.
The Bigger Picture: Belonging Shapes Resilience
Schools often focus heavily on academics—reading, math, test scores. But children learn best when they feel safe, connected, and supported.
Friendship drama and messy classroom moments are part of growing up. Neither means your child is failing—or that you are.
Your role is to:
- Reinforce their worth at home
- Coach them through social and emotional challenges
- Advocate for systems that protect rather than shame
When children experience a steady sense of belonging at home and in school, they develop confidence, resilience, and the capacity to thrive—not because life was without struggle, but because they learned they were never alone in it.
More Guidance Available In Our Membership
In School Challenges: Friendships and Classroom Behavior, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between normal friendship drama and real bullying, how to respond to behavior reports without shame, and what to say to protect your child’s confidence while working with teachers. You’ll walk away with practical scripts and strategies you can use right away. Join our community for access to hundreds of conscious parenting resources, downloadable guides, and a private support forum of fellow-parents who are eager to encourage you on your journey!
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