Olivia, my five year old strong willed client, was already unraveling before our session even started.
She entered my office after what had clearly been a long, demanding day.
I asked her, “Can you come up with a plan for how we’ll all play together?”
My goal was to give her choice and a sense of power.
And...it back-fired in an explosive meltdown.
Olivia began screaming, throwing toys, trying to hit her brother.
She ran into the waiting room, hid under the couch, and shouted, “Don’t look at me! I hate it here! I don’t want to talk about feelings!”
She was furious, and no one could really understand why.
Every effort to validate or redirect her just made things worse.
She passed her threshold of tolerance.
The only path forward was to wait it out.
So we did.
Giving a strong willed child the time they need to get through severe emotional dysregulation is not an easy task.
It takes a lot of patience and confidence on the parent's part to create a space where big feelings can be contained without pressure or agenda.
These aren't the types of tantrums that can be solved with calm words or a distraction.
These are the moments where we have to hunker down in the storm and do what it takes to not let the rainwaters flood inside.
Most parents — especially parents of strong willed kids — understandably struggle in moments like this.
- They might try to appease their child just to make the chaos stop.
- Or they swing the other way, punishing the behavior in an attempt to regain control.
- Some shut down completely.
- Others become anxious or start walking on eggshells, doing whatever it takes to avoid another outburst.
But Olivia was fortunate. Her parents, Roger and Carmine, were ready for a different approach.
They’d seen meltdowns like this before. Too many times to count. These emotional outbursts had become the norm in their home.
Olivia screamed, "Go away!"
And still, she needed to know we were right there.
Roger and Carmine showed up that day with openness and willingness. They were ready to pause. To wait. To learn.
And that changed everything.
When the intensity started to come down, I didn’t tell Olivia to come out from the waiting room.
She felt the need to hide, which told me she wasn't yet feeling safe to rejoin us.
I didn’t push for a repair. I knew in my heart that accountability would come, and it didn't have to come at that exact moment.
Here's what I did: I invited her in.
Quietly, gently, I placed a few toys and puppets nearby, without making eye contact, just as she’d asked.
I honored her need for space while creating a path back to connection.
Eventually, she chose to re-join us.
Through puppets and baby dolls and pretend trips to the fabric store, she found her way back to safety. Back to us. Back to herself.
She left the session not only regulated, but proud of herself.
She offered apologies without prompting. "I'm sorry I screamed and kicked, Ms. Bry," she said.
Her parents had worried she didn't care about her impact on others.
But how she took accountability for her actions— independently, I might add — showed us something different.
What looked like a tantrum wasn’t manipulation.
It was a cry for safety.
And by staying steady instead of anxiously shrinking or angrily shouting, her parents gave their daughter exactly what she needed: a little bit of time, some presence, and a whole lotta patience.
If tiptoeing around meltdowns and dysregulated behavior is your norm, you’re in good company—and good hands.
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Why Parents Tip-toe Around Strong-Willed Kids
Many parents of strong-willed children describe themselves as being “on edge” all the time.
When a little thing — like the wrong yogurt flavor or the not-quite-right socks — can trigger a full-blown emotional storm, it makes sense that you’re constantly anticipating the next outburst.
Your child’s outbursts can accidentally train you to approach them with more passivity and anxiety.
For some, it can even create a trauma response, especially for those parents who grew up in emotionally or behaviorally unpredictable environments.
Walking on eggshells around our children simply means that we're feeling unsafe and are stuck in survival mode.
If we tip-toe, maybe we won’t detonate the bomb that is our child’s emotions—and we won’t have to ride out the fallout… yet again.
This fear is amplified if you grew up with parents who rejected you for any of your emotions.
For most tired, exhausted parents, walking on eggshells is not a desired response.
It's a conditioned response.
It's a survival response.
And yet… it never really gets us to where we'd like to be:
Feeling safe. Connected. And understood.
The Root Problem: Power, Emotion, and Unmet Needs
Strong-willed kids are often labeled as “difficult” or “defiant,” but what they really are is sensitive, persistent, and highly reactive when their expectations aren't met.
What looks like opposition is often a child’s attempt to reclaim a sense of control in a world that feels unpredictable or overwhelming.
They’re not throwing tantrums to manipulate you. Or to disrespect you. Or to defy you for the sake of it.
They’re doing it because they don’t yet have the tools to express their big feelings in safe, contained ways.
They're aware that they need something. And that need feels urgent to your strong-willed kid.
And they can be relentless in their pursuit of getting their needs met.
In many ways, I admire the strong-willed child's insistence on feeling safe in their bodies and in their relationships.
These kids don't give up easily.
But here’s the challenge: when you start modifying your behavior by avoiding conflict, sidestepping limits, or hesitating to say no, you unintentionally reinforce the idea that their nervous system needs to erupt to get their needs met.
This is how the power struggles emerge.
When left to their own devices, these power struggles take on a life of their own.
How Walking on Eggshells Reinforces the Wrong Lessons
When you parent from fear, even subconsciously, your strong-willed child picks up on that energy. If they sense your hesitation, your second-guessing, your need to keep them happy at all costs, they begin to learn that their emotional intensity runs the show.
And that’s not fair to them...or to you.
It teaches them that big emotions are dangerous, rather than survivable.
It teaches you to suppress your own boundaries to maintain peace.
It erodes the foundation of trust and teamwork in the home.
Many parents feel there is no way out of this trap.
They worry that it will be like this forever.
But that's simply not true.
Once you understand the nuance behind how your child expresses their needs, you will feel much more skilled, effective, and confident in how parent your spicy kid.
What Strong-Willed Children Actually Need
You may be wondering: If giving in doesn’t help, and ignoring doesn’t work, then what does help?
These are the things that actually help strong-willed kids thrive:
- Clear boundaries, consistently held
- Emotional attunement and warmth, even in moments of meltdown
- A grounded parent nervous system
- A reflective parent mindset
- Opportunities for autonomy and choice within structure
- Language that reflects teamwork, not domination
Most parents who miss the boat with their spirited children are too focused on control and insecure about cultivating collaboration.
When you involve your children in making plans, defining limits and boundaries, and supporting the environment to meet their individual sensory or emotional needs, life with your strong willed kid feels lighter and simpler.
Rather than everyday tasks feeling heavy and overwhelming, you’ll find new ways to contain their fire and enjoy the force it brings to your life.
When you feel confident in raising them, they embody that confidence and learn how to soar — just like these kids were created to do.
What Does It Mean to Parent With Confidence?
True confidence comes from an inner knowing.
You're able to listen to your inner needs and securely get them met.
And you're capable of responding to your child's inner needs in a sensitive, attuned, and timely way.
It sounds like:
- “I see how upset you are. And the line is the line. We need to move forward.”
- “You really wanted X. Y is what we have right now.”
- “You’re allowed to be mad. I can't let you hit. Let's take some space.”
- "I hear that you want me gone. I'm in the other room. I'll check back in about 5 minutes."
You’re not responsible for your child’s emotions.
You’re responsible for your response to their emotions.
As well as the impact of your actions, regardless of your intentions.
When you keep these basic principles in your back pocket, you'll soon recognize that confidently parenting has little to do with what you actually say.
And everything to do with the energy you show up with.
Strategies to Stop Walking on Eggshells Around Your Strong-Willed Child
These strategies are rooted in regulation, connection, and developmental attunement. They're designed to help you lead your strong-willed child with clarity and calm. Truly, they're just good sense.
1. Respond, Don’t React
When your child explodes, your nervous system will want to match their energy. But reacting with urgency or defensiveness fuels the fire. Take a slow breath. Ground yourself before you speak.
Instead of:
“Stop yelling! You asked for the granola bar! I'm giving it to you!”
Try:
“You sound really upset. Let's pause and try again.”
This helps your child shift out of fight-or-flight while maintaining emotional safety.
If this step is tough for you, join me inside the Conscious Mommy Community, where I have hundreds of digital resources that teach you how to regulate your nervous system in a truly transformative way.
2. Hold Boundaries With Warmth
Your strong-willed child needs boundaries to feel safe. But they also need to know you’re not punishing them for pushing the limits of those boundaries.
Say:
“I understand this isn’t what you wanted. I’m still saying no.”
“You’re allowed to be disappointed. That doesn’t change my decision.”
Boundaries aren't about control or stopping your child's behavior.
They're about building a bridge between you and your child so that you can both feel safe in relationship together.
It's your job to hold the boundaries. And your child's job to test them.
Strong-willed kids test the boundaries with considerable more force, strength, and tenacity.
Yet, when you hold them consistently, your child learns that their emotions won't dictate your behavior — or theirs.
3. Avoid Over-Explaining or Justifying
A common mistake when parenting strong-willed kids is over-explaining, hoping your child will suddenly agree with your logic.
But your child doesn’t need a thesis. They need steadiness.
Skip the rationalizing, and stick to clarity:
“I know you want more screen time. We’re done for the day.”
When you stop negotiating, you start leading.
If they have a meltdown about it, let them.
Approach it similarly to how we approached Olivia's moment of despair: with patience and presence.
Once you're on the other side, help your child figure out other ways they can express their disappointment, frustration, or anger.
As always, remind them how lovable they are. How important they are. And how you will always have their back — no matter what.
4. Build in Safe Choices
Strong willed children crave autonomy. They need power — just not all of it.
So, give it to them, but on your terms.
“Do you want to brush teeth before or after putting on pajamas?”
“Would you like yogurt or toast for breakfast?”
"Which day should we park and picnic after school this week? We're free Tuesday and Thursday."
You define the structure.
They get to play within the structure you've created.
When they're really pushing down the fence you've put up, this is not your opportunity to double down and cement your agenda.
Especially with strong willed kids, it's the time to reevaluate their growing need for independence and exploration.
5. Use Predictable Routines and Visuals
Strong-willed kids often struggle with transitions and unpredictability. Use visuals, checklists, and consistent routines to anchor their expectations and reduce anxiety-fueled behavior.
Think:
A morning chart
A bedtime steps poster
A weekly menu
These are not cute, silly ideas that are mere suggestions to improve your family life.
These are crucial tools if you want to minimize misunderstandings with your strong-willed kid.
But they don't work without your consistency.
Consistency reduces chaos and power struggles.
You Deserve to Stop Tiptoeing
Most strong-willed kids don’t melt down over the cup, the cereal, or the not-quite-right socks.
They escalate because they feel unseen.
Because they don’t yet know how to name what they need.
Because they’re still learning that big feelings are survivable.
When you tiptoe around their emotions, you miss the chance to coach them through them.
But when you stay steady — without fixing, without fleeing — you teach them something far more powerful:
That they are safe.
That they are loved.
That their emotions don’t have to control them — or you.
Your child's strong will isn’t a flaw.
It’s their most vital strength that needs shaping, not silencing.
As for you, the tired and overwhelmed parent who wonders if you’re doing it right?
You don’t need to tiptoe anymore.
Give yourself permission to try something new.
Hold your boundaries clearly, consistently, and warmly.
Lead in a collaborative, motivational way.
Be the buoy to their storm.
These kids chose you because you are the perfect parent for them.
They're not here to break you — despite how it may feel some days.
They're here to make you.
Relevant Resources:
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