It was a cloudy, humid day in my hometown, New Castle, PA. We were at a local playground, giving the kids a much needed outlet to burn off all of their frenetic summertime energy.
I saw a child of about 6 years, alone by the swings, screaming and crying. Aimlessly, he paced back and forth, shouting:
You’re just going to sit there and ignore me?
It’s like I don’t even exist.
You care more about yourself than you do me!
You don’t even care that I’m this upset.
What am I…invisible to you?
Does anybody hear me? Does anybody see me?
Why is no one listening to me?
I scanned around, waiting for his grown-ups to step in.
But as the minutes passed — and no one responded — my heart just couldn’t take it anymore. I gently approached him, “Hun, you don’t seem like you’re feeling too good. Do you have a parent around who can help you?”
To my surprise, his mother was sitting at the bench directly next to him. She came rushing over and said, “I’m his mother. He’s fine. I’m with his aides. We’re just ignoring him.”
She then turned to him and said, “And do you know why we’re ignoring you? Because when you act like a maniac, nobody wants to be around you. If you could act normal like the other children, and just play like regular kids, then maybe people would want to be around you.”
I watched this child shrink. Head low. Frowned lips. Sunken shoulders.
Moments before, he was loudly questioning if anyone cared about his emotions and needs.
And then, his doubt was confirmed by the person he trusts the most to care for him.
My heart sank as it resonated with his feelings of powerlessness and defeat. This was a heavy moment to witness.
Let me be clear: this is not a bad mom.
This is a good mom, doing what professionals said was “best” for him.
This approach is known as 'planned ignoring' — a widely recommended strategy that deserves a closer look.
"Just ignore them," when your children are misbehaving, is age-old "wisdom" passed down from generation to generation.
While it may reduce negative behavior, it may also negatively impact your child's self-esteem when not used thoughtfully — and sparingly.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in working with children, parents, and mothers, I cannot fully endorse ignoring our children, especially when they're acting out.
In my house, we have a motto:
When we don't talk it out, we act it out.
I view acting out behavior as a child's best attempt to engage us in their world.
It's our opportunity to discover far more effective, nurturing, and attuned ways to help regulate our children.
Here’s what happened next with the boy:
He quickly returned to his shouting, emotive, dysregulated state. However, this time, the caregivers had a more attuned approach:
They addressed him eye-to-eye.
They spoke calmly and gently with him.
They took him for a walk around the park.
They pushed him on a swing.
Within minutes, he was regulated.
It's not rocket science...but it is science, nonetheless.
He needed someone to help contain the chaos. To feel seen. To know that his pain mattered.
And finally, he got the experience he desperately needed.
Let this be a lesson for all of us:
Ignoring sends the message that your child's pain doesn’t matter to you. Connecting takes courage and vulnerability, but ultimately sends the message that they're not alone in their pain.
⭐️ This is exactly the kind of real-life parenting moment we unpack in our virtual Conscious Parent Coaching Monthly Meet Up (exclusively available to members of the Conscious Mommy Community).
Together, we look at what to do when your child’s behavior is screaming for connection, how to recognize the difference between harmless chaos and emotional distress, and how to stay grounded so you can respond instead of withdraw.
My promise is that you will always leave with practical, developmentally-informed strategies to support your child’s regulation — and your own.
Parenting with intention and presence is hard work. But the truth is, you’re going to put in the time either way — whether it’s time spent fighting, repeating, and recovering… or time spent connecting, supporting, and building something more lasting.
Let’s choose the time that nourishes you both.
Here’s what that actually looks like in everyday parenting moments.
The Difference Between Benign Mayhem and Emotional Distress
Sometimes kids are loud. Sometimes they’re messy, dramatic, or wildly imaginative.
In those moments, what looks like “bad behavior” is often harmless mayhem — a playful scream, a pile of toys dumped over, or a demand that only the blue spoon will do.
These moments don’t always require intervention. In fact, tuning out the harmless chaos is often a sign of healthy nervous system regulation in the parent.
Responding to every silly or minor behavior might feel like discipline — but it often backfires. Here’s why:
- It teaches kids what gets a reaction. When you respond to every silly or minor behavior, your child learns, this is how I get your energy. Even if the behavior isn’t about connection to begin with, your response can accidentally make it more appealing.
- It drains your energy. You waste emotional bandwidth on low-stakes moments, leaving less for when your child truly needs you.
- It stifles creativity. Constant correction sends the message: your energy is too much.
- It creates unnecessary power struggles. When everything’s a battle, kids push back — not to defy you, but to feel in control.
- It ramps up your reactivity. Over-responding to every mess or sound keeps your nervous system in overdrive.
Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is ignore the benign mayhem so you have the stamina for the big stuff that truly needs your attention.
But when your child is deeply distressed — when they’re angry, sad, scared, or overwhelmed — ignoring those feelings sends a different message. That their emotions are too much. That their experience is unimportant. That connection is conditional.
What Are the Psychological Effects of Ignoring a Child’s Emotions?
Children are highly sensitive to the social cues and emotional availability of their parents. They rely on those early cues to understand not only what they feel, but whether those feelings are acceptable and safe to express.
Research on emotional neglect shows that when a child’s feelings are repeatedly dismissed or ignored, it can disrupt their ability to regulate emotions, form secure relationships, and build a positive sense of self.
This isn’t the same as physical neglect, but emotional neglect can be just as damaging. Children who grow up feeling invisible or unheard often internalize beliefs like:
- My feelings are a burden.
- I don’t deserve support when I’m upset.
- If I act “normal,” maybe I’ll be loved.
These beliefs don’t just stay in childhood. They shape how your child sees themselves and how they relate to others.
Why Planned Ignoring Doesn’t Work the Way You Think
The idea behind planned ignoring is behavioral: withhold attention from unwanted behavior to reduce its frequency.
This concept has its roots in early behaviorism, which was first tested on animals — not humans. Rats and pigeons in controlled environments learned to change their behavior based on rewards or punishments.
But children aren’t lab animals. They’re social, emotional beings wired for connection. What “works” on the surface may come at the cost of their sense of safety, self-worth, and relationship with you.
Behavior is not separate from emotion. Ignoring emotional expression can actually escalate the behavior you’re trying to reduce.
According to data from social-emotional development research, what children most need in moments of distress is co-regulation, not dismissal.
Ignoring a child’s tantrum might seem like a logical way to extinguish it, but for many children — especially those with strong emotional sensitivity — it only intensifies the experience of being alone and overwhelmed.
The result? More tantrums. Bigger explosions. And a deeper sense of insecurity in the parent-child relationship.
Tuning Out the Benign Mayhem
There’s a meaningful difference between ignoring your child’s emotional needs and giving them space to explore, create, or be a little wild.
When your child is emotionally dysregulated — overwhelmed, fearful, sad, angry — they need connection, not distance. Withholding attention in those moments reinforces shame and disconnection. Their nervous system isn’t equipped to “self-soothe” without first feeling safe with you.
But not every moment demands your engagement.
Dr. Wendy Mogel describes benign neglect as stepping back from constant correction so your child can develop problem-solving skills, creativity, and emotional range. It’s about trusting your child’s capacity to navigate minor frustrations and harmless messes — without stepping in to fix, direct, or discipline.
You might choose not to intervene when:
- They’re pretending dramatically or playing noisily
- They’ve dumped out all the toys in joyful chaos
- They’re testing out silly voices, fart jokes, or exaggerated reactions
- They’re goofing off with siblings and things are still lighthearted
- They demand a specific comfort object again — and you’re too tired to negotiate
These aren’t cries for help. They’re moments of exploration and autonomy. Ignoring – as a strategy – in these moments is the attuned response. You’re watching, noticing, and trusting them to work it out.
Because ultimately, ignoring benign mayhem is not about withdrawing from your child. It’s about conserving your energy and offering freedom in moments where connection isn’t being threatened.
What to Do Instead of Ignoring: Responding With Attunement
When your child is overwhelmed, try these evidence-based strategies:
1. Notice the Need Beneath the Behavior
Tantrums and big feelings are often a sign that your child is emotionally flooded. Before rushing to correct, pause and ask: What does my child need right now?
⭐ ️ In my book, Parent Yourself First, I outline the Ladder of Needs — a simple tool to help you decode your child’s behavior in the moment and feel more confident about how to respond with connection and clarity. If you’re ready to stop reacting and start responding, the book is a powerful place to begin.
2. Name the Feeling, Not Just the Behavior
Instead of, “Stop yelling,” try:
You’re really upset. I'm listening.
Kids use behavior to get us to notice what's happening within them. Every time you respond to the feeling, you get one step closer to helping your kid get their needs met.
And guess what tends to stop once those needs are met? The acting out.
3. Offer Co-Regulation Tools
Sit beside them. Offer a hand to hold. Use a soft tone. Slow yourself down. Stop looking at your phone, and instead look toward them. These are powerful, nonverbal cues that say: You’re safe with me.
Never underestimate the power of your presence in the here-and-now.
4. Reflect On Your Own Triggers
Sometimes ignoring happens because you feel overwhelmed. If you notice yourself shutting down emotionally, take a moment to regulate yourself before re-engaging.
Ignoring your children can sometimes be a sign of a freeze response in your nervous system. Self-reflection is a powerful first step toward greater awareness and insight so you can find new ways of responding to your child.
The Long-Term Impact of Your Emotional Presence
Emotional presence isn’t just about managing the moment — it’s about shaping the future.
When kids feel emotionally safe, they trust that they can express themselves, even when it’s messy. That trust becomes the foundation for emotional intelligence, resilience, and healthy relationships for the rest of their lives.
Ignoring may quiet the moment. But connection builds a lifetime of inner security.
And that’s always worth choosing.
If you’ve used ignoring as a strategy in the past, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Many well-meaning parents are simply doing what they were taught. The truth is, emotional care is a skill — and it’s one you can learn.
💞 Join me inside our virtual parenting membership for our monthly Conscious Parent Coaching Meet-Up, where we dive deeper into how to respond to challenging behavior without shutting down or tuning out. You’ll walk away with grounded, research-informed tools to support both your child’s needs and your own nervous system.
Relevant Resources:
🔗 Helping Your Children Manage Their Guilt and Shame: Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘 Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.
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