I was in the evening rush, attempting to respond to an email while also chopping shallots and garlic. The laundry buzzer beeped—as did the smoke detector.

My brain felt pulled in multiple directions. And then, seemingly out of nowhere—although it's rarely true that these things begin "out of nowhere"—the boys began arguing.

About what, you may ask?

Over who loved our kitten the most—obviously.

Voices raised. Feelings got hurt. Bodies were shoved.

Their silly, unnecessary argument—yes, I can be judgmental when I'm short on spoons—felt like nails on a chalkboard.

"Boys, go find another way to play please," I called out, trying to stay calm and keep it together.

Then I heard another scream. Then a slap.

My throat clenched and a fire burned within me.

Here's what I wanted to do: I wanted to barge into the room, take my buried anger out on them, threaten them into submission, and control all the chaos.

But I didn't do that.

Instead, I turned the stove off, approached them respectfully, had them talk it out, and then gave them both a clear direction—all of which allowed the rest of our evening to move smoothly.

I grew up in a loud, disorganized, aggressive, and frequently violent home.

Like you, I don't want to recreate that with my own kids.

But I know it takes a lot of work, effort, and energy.

Many parents I work with in my practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist act on their impulses in these triggering moments.

They agree to the power struggle, skip out on taking a deep breath beforehand, and ultimately take their child's behavior personally.

Afterward they wonder, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I handle this better?” Social media has convinced most of us that we're the only ones struggling, because everyone online seems to have their 'ish together—flawless and effortless.

Don't take parenting tips from folks like that.

Here's what's actually true:

You’re not failing. You’re triggered. You're having a hard time.

Welcome to the club—whether you're parenting a toddler or a teen, we're all bound to overreact to our kids' shenanigans at some point. 

And there is a way to parent beyond your triggers. It takes work, but I promise you: it's worth it.

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If You Lose Your Temper

If you’re tired of feeling guilty after you yell, shut down, or lose control with your kids, join me for What To Do When You’re Triggered—a workshop designed to help you stay calm, present, and connected when your child pushes your buttons. Exclusively available inside the Conscious Mommy Community.

In this 45-minute class, you learn how to recognize what’s really happening inside your body in those heated moments, regulate your nervous system before it takes over, and repair with your child when you’ve gone too far. Walk away with practical, evidence-based tools that actually work—so you can stop taking your child’s behavior personally and start responding from a place of calm and confidence.

When you enroll in the Conscious Mommy Community, you get:

⭐️ Weekly live classes with Bryana Kappadakunnel, LMFT—covering age-specific parenting guidance for kids 0-12, and special topics like ending power struggles, healing our inner child, and repairing the nervous system.
⭐️ On-demand access to the full class library—so you can revisit lessons or catch up anytime, even if you can’t attend live.
⭐️ A supportive, like-minded community of parents—a safe, judgment-free space to ask questions, share stories, and feel grounded in connection.
⭐️ Evidence-based strategies to help you raise confident, compassionate children who you genuinely enjoy being around.
⭐️ Direct access to Bryana’s coaching and expertise through live Q&As, reflections, and interactive teaching.
⭐️ Compassionate accountability and encouragement so you don’t just absorb new ideas—you live them, every day, in your parenting.
⭐️ Ongoing clarity and inspiration to help you parent consciously, break cycles of shame and nurture emotional safety at home.

You don’t have to keep cycling between regret and reactivity. You can learn to calm your body, understand your triggers, and guide your child through theirs—with love, not fear.

Let’s help you find your calm again. Join us.

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What Are Parenting Triggers?

Parenting triggers are intense emotional responses that arise in reaction to your child’s behavior. They happen often before your rational mind can even catch up.

For example, a client told me that she told her child not to grab the shelf. When he did it anyway, she reacted by smacking him. Then she wallowed in the guilt and shame for having hurt him, and for feeling so out-of-control herself. All while having to repair the rupture she just caused.

Could this have been avoided? Technically, yes…but it’s not so black and white.

Here's the thing about triggers:

• They’re not about the present moment.
• They’re rooted in our past experiences (most notably, childhood).
• And they show up unexpectedly.

Some parents explode—the Fighters.
Some get anxious and try to control—the Fixers.
Some leave the room—the Fleers.
Others go numb—the Freezers.

Your nervous system chooses what it thinks will protect you the best.

And while these reactions may feel “bad,” they’re actually messages. Stop judging your reactions to your kids and start being curious about the meaning behind your reaction.

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Why Your Triggers Don’t Mean You’re a Bad Parent

The slap between your kids isn’t what pushed you over the edge.

It was everything before it: The overwhelm. The pressure to get it all done. The never-ending demands.

But we can also go deeper. Perhaps it was also the echoes of a childhood where conflict wasn’t safe. Or, was never resolved.

Many parents resist the idea that they are triggered by their children's behaviors. Often I hear, "I'm not triggered, it's that the my kid isn't listening to me, and I need them to listen!"

So, how do you know if you are, in fact, triggered by your child?

• You're overreacting to your child's behavior or emotion that is developmentally to be expected.
• You expect your child to regulate, reason, or comply in ways that are beyond their developmental capacity.
• Your reaction feels bigger than the moment...like something old is being stirred up.
• You notice yourself thinking or sounding like your own parents (especially the parts you wanted to avoid).
• You regret what you've said or done and wish you could go back and do things differently.
• You focus more on controlling your child’s behavior than understanding their needs.
• You find it hard to stay present or calm, even when you know what you “should” do.

By doing the important work of understanding your triggers, you grow to become more empowered to respond with clarity, consistency, and connection - or, what I like to call, The 3C's of Effective Discipline.

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Step One: Understand Your Own Mind First

Before correcting the behavior, turn inward and ask yourself:

What am I thinking, feeling, and needing in this moment?

Maybe you’re thinking: “I can’t do this right now.” That's okay. Give yourself compassion if you're feeling burned or checked out. Modern day parents are in a mental health crisis and the world feels chaotic and insecure as we witness division and civil unrest. You may not be consciously aware of all that you're holding, but sometimes it's just enough to acknowledge our personal limits and learn how to be with that discomfort. 

Maybe you’re feeling overstimulated, helpless, angry. That's also okay. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You're allowed to feel your feelings, even though you're learning not to act them out.

Maybe you need quiet, support, or even just one minute to breathe. Again, compassion, grace, and inner-kindness is how I encourage you to respond to yourself. Plus, the more you do, the more likely it is that your child will respond to their negative feelings in a similar way. After all, children learn by mimicking what we model. 

This is a foundational practice taught in my book, Parent Yourself First. It seems basic, but I assure you, it's not. This is the most under-utilized parenting tool I've observed in my work with parents for more than a decade. Parents who build a self-awareness practice find themselves reacting less and less over time with their children.

You are much more likely to reenact the very patterns you wish to break when you are not aware of your thoughts, feelings, and needs—especially in a triggering, overwhelming moment.

When you are able to recognize what's happening within you, you will be able to reclaim your power —without becoming an authoritarian, of course—and choose your next move. 

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Step Two: Get Curious About Your Child’s Inner World

When one child hits another, it’s easy to zero in on the behavior. In fact, changing a child's behavior has been the primary focus of parenting interventions for the past several decades.

And yet, it hasn't improved family functioning.

Here's why:

Behavior is always communication. And it's our job to decode what the child's behavior is attempting to tell us.

Ask yourself:

What might my child be thinking, feeling, and needing in this moment?

Maybe one sibling was feeling excluded or rejected.

Maybe the other didn’t know how to say no with words.

Maybe both were dysregulated and unsure how to stop.

This shift from blame to curiosity is what makes conscious parenting work so beautifully.

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Step Three: Connect Before You Correct

Once you’ve taken stock of your inner world and your child’s likely experience, it’s time to reconnect.

That doesn’t mean skipping over the behavior. Completely unaddressing behavior - or making excuses for poor behavior - is what permissive parents do. But here at Conscious Mommy, I do not advocate for permissive parenting, given its documented poor child outcomes.

Conversely, solely addressing the behavior, especially in a dictator "My way or the highway!" style, is what authoritarian parents do, and this is also something I don't advocate for given the negative outcomes associated.

Being a conscious parent means that we're committed to addressing challenging situations and everyday conflict in a way that preserves emotional safety.

You might say:

“You hit your brother, and that tells me something really big was going on in your body. I wonder if you got your feelings hurt? It’s not okay to hurt someone, so let's make it right with your brother. Then, let’s help you find a better way to express your feelings.”

You can set limits while still validating your child’s experience. As long as you're clear about your expectations, connected and warm in your tone, and consistent in your response, your kids will come to trust that when they mess up, they won't be punished.

They will see you as their leader—someone who will help them discover better ways to solve problems. They will trust your guidance and leadership, because they know that what you have to offer will be helpful and supportive (rather than shaming, blaming, or reactive).

Teaching is what true discipline is. These everyday moments are excellent opportunities to learn how to navigate important life skills like reading social cues, regulating our emotions, communicating effectively, and working together to resolve conflict.

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The Result? More Peaceful Parenting Moments

When you understand why you're so triggered, your reactions naturally start to change.

When you respond with connection, your child learns to trust not just you, but their own inner world, too.

And the home environment you’re building becomes emotionally safer, more peaceful, and more joyful.

Even if you didn't come from a peaceful family, a peaceful family can come from you.

From one cycle breaking, quick-to-react parent to another—you are built for this.

Don't give up on knowing yourself, as it's the key to better understanding your kids and creating the home life you truly desire.

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Find Your Calm Again

If you’re ready to stop reacting from overwhelm and start embodying the confident leader that's already within you, this class is for you. What To Do When You’re Triggered will teach you how to regulate your body, understand your triggers, and guide your child with compassion—without losing yourself in the process.

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Relevant Resources:

🔗 Let Go of Your Triggers Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community

📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.

📨 Never miss a new post. Sign up for the Conscious Connection and get our newsletter delivered to your inbox every week.

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