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Andy was my 6 year old client. His dad, Ron, wasn't buying my advice.
Andy was displaying a lot of dysregulated behaviors: excessive tantrums, defiance, school refusal, and fighting with his brother (just to name a few).
Lori, Andy's mom, wanted to take a conscious approach to supporting Andy. She wanted to hold him accountable for his behaviors without shame, while also getting to the root meaning behind his behaviors.
Ron worried that by trying to empathize with Andy, we'd not only reinforce his negative behaviors, but we'd make him a "pussy". (His words, not mine).
There’s a lie many parents like Ron carry, often inherited from their own upbringing:
“If I’m not hard on my child now, the world will crush them later.”
It’s the belief that to raise resilient, successful kids, we need to simulate the harshness of the “real world” at home – through punishments, tough love, forced independence, or shutting down emotions.
It was clear to me that emotional suppression wasn't one of Ron's strengths. In fact, he pushed back in a fiery, heated, and often antagonistic way every time I invited him to reflect on how his parenting choices impacted Andy's emotional well-being.
Ron didn't want to talk "feelings". He wanted me to tell him how to make his son more obedient.
He believed obedience was the only way to survive the world.
As we watch 2025 unfold (...and compare it to other periods of unrest or cultural upheaval in history), it makes sense how this pain-filled narrative has invaded our subconscious.
But we aren't raising kids to survive the world.
We are raising kids to change the world.
Are we living through dark, extraordinarily difficult times? Yes, we are.
AND...children do not need more pain to prepare for the pain of the world.
They need emotional intelligence so they can evolve the world's ego.
Emotional intelligence – how we notice, express, and regulate emotions – is foundational to how we form relationships, handle stress, solve problems, and navigate life.
And your child's emotional intelligence starts with you, the parent.
The good news? Emotional intelligence isn’t something you either have or don’t.
It’s something you nurture, moment by moment, with consistent, conscious parenting habits.
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Research on Emotional Intelligence in Children
Emotional intelligence in children is more than just “talking about feelings.” It’s the ability to recognize their emotions, manage them in healthy ways, understand the emotions of others, and respond with empathy and self-control.
Decades of research (like this and this and this and this) show that children with higher emotional intelligence – sometimes called EQ – experience stronger mental health, better peer relationships, and greater academic success. In fact, long-term studies confirm that emotional intelligence is a better predictor of life success than IQ or even socioeconomic background.
Kids with high emotional intelligence are more likely to:
- Resolve conflicts without aggression
- Cope better with frustration and stress
- Express their needs clearly
- Show compassion and empathy toward others
Unlike IQ, which stays relatively stable over a lifetime, emotional intelligence can be nurtured and developed – especially through consistent, secure relationships with emotionally attuned parents.
When you model regulation, empathy, and healthy expression, your child’s brain becomes wired for resilience, connection, and emotional strength.
And here’s what’s even more remarkable:
Even if only a fraction of children are raised in an emotionally intelligent environment, the collective ripple effect could be transformative.
The human ego – rooted in survival, power, and dominance – has shaped much of our societal structure.
But children who grow up with strong emotional intelligence aren’t as easily pulled into patterns of fear-based control or performative success. They are more likely to:
- Collaborate instead of compete
- Seek understanding over dominance
- Offer compassion in place of judgment
- Create safer relationships and communities wherever they go
This is how we raise the kind of humans the world is waiting for.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters More Than “Good Behavior”
We live in a world where some influential voices dismiss empathy as weakness – or worse, a liability.
That mindset has infiltrated parenting advice, leadership models, and even school discipline policies – framing compassion as weakness, and compliance as the gold standard.
But emotional intelligence isn’t the opposite of strength.
It’s the foundation of it.
Traditional parenting often equates compliance with success. But as millennial parents, we know that complying with the status quo to earn success only gets you so far. Even our willingness to comply gets exploited, with many of us struggling with burn out, depression, anxiety, rage, and chronic overstimulation.
Let's not repeat this cycle with our children. (⭐️ PS: if you're on a journey to becoming the parent you wish you'd had, then please check out my book, Parent Yourself First!)
When we focus only on behaviors – without considering the feelings or unmet needs underneath – we risk raising children who behave well to avoid punishment.
It's not that they feel safe, understood, or connected to us.
It's that they are afraid of getting hurt – even if it's emotional pain – so they appease us. Parent pleasers become people pleasers, stuck in survival mode and calling it success.
In contrast, parenting that nurtures emotional intelligence helps kids:
- Understand their own emotional world
- Build trust in the parent-child relationship
- Learn to regulate big feelings without shame
- Develop lifelong social and relational skills
5 Parenting Habits That Build Emotional Intelligence in Kids
There’s no shortage of research on how to nurture social and emotional learning in children. But after more than a decade as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist specializing in perinatal, infant, and early childhood mental health, these are the five practices I return to again and again.
Whether you're raising a toddler or a teen, these techniques strengthen your relationship, help your child feel truly seen and safe, and build the emotional intelligence our world so urgently needs.
1. Name and Validate Emotions Out Loud
One of the most powerful ways to nurture emotional intelligence is by helping your child understand their inner world. Use simple language to name emotions and show your child that feelings are safe to express.
“You’re feeling frustrated that your tower fell. That makes sense.”
“It’s okay to feel nervous about school. I’m here with you.”
This helps children learn that feelings aren’t problems to fix – they’re messages to understand.
2. Set Limits Without Shaming
Children thrive with boundaries, but those limits don’t need to come at the expense of emotional safety. Avoid power struggles or harsh discipline by calmly holding the line while still holding the feelings.
“I won’t let you hit. Let’s find another way to show you’re upset.”
“You really want more screen time. It’s hard to stop. And it’s time to turn it off now.”
This teaches your child that their feelings are welcome, even when their behaviors are redirected.
3. Make Time for Play and Connection
Play is where kids process emotion, build social skills, and strengthen attachment. Just 10–15 minutes a day of child-led, distraction-free play builds trust, co-regulation, and joy.
Play doesn’t have to be complicated. It just needs to be consistent and authentic.
Play is the language of your child's soul, and playing with them shows just how important they are to you.
Ask open-ended questions, follow their lead, let them be in charge of the play.
Your presence is what they need most. Put down the phone and look them in the eye.
4. Model Emotional Regulation and Say I'm Sorry
Your child learns emotional intelligence by watching you. When you name your own feelings, breathe through frustration, or take a moment to calm yourself, you show your child how to manage emotion in real time.
When you repair the ruptures you cause, you give your child permission to own their mistakes with courage, not fear.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”
“That was hard for me, too. I’m going to sit quietly for a minute before we talk.”
"I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't okay. I love you. Let's try again."
Regulated parents raise regulated kids.
5. Encourage Problem-Solving Over Punishment
When things go wrong – conflicts with siblings, meltdowns, or defiance – focus less on consequences and more on collaboration.
“Let’s figure out what happened and what you need next time.”
“It seems like you were really upset. What can we do differently together?”
Teaching your child how to solve problems, think critically, reflect on themselves, and collaborate with others builds confidence and emotional maturity that no time-out ever could.
What Emotional Intelligence Looks Like in Action
Emotionally intelligent kids may still cry, argue, or feel overwhelmed. But overtime, they’re more likely to:
- Pause before reacting
- Express their needs clearly
- Respond to others with empathy
- Calm themselves with support
- Reflect on what they’re feeling and why
If it’s not happening fast enough for you, hold steady. Emotional intelligence takes time to build – and it doesn’t follow a linear path.
But I can tell you with certainty: when a child grows up in an environment that prioritizes connection over control and emotional safety over surface-level obedience, they become more resilient, more adaptable, and far better equipped for the real world than peers who were conditioned by fear and forced compliance.
You Don’t Need to Be Harsh to Prepare Kids for the Real World
The world is already loud, chaotic, and unpredictable. Your child doesn’t need you to be another source of pain.
They need you to be safe.
They need you to be steady.
They need you to help them feel – so they can learn how to live.
When Ron finally stopped trying to fix Andy’s behavior and started learning how to connect with his son’s emotional world, everything shifted. The tantrums didn’t disappear overnight – but Andy no longer had to scream to feel seen. And Ron finally realized that strength wasn’t in control. It was in compassion.
When you nurture emotional intelligence, you’re not just raising a child who can survive the world…
you’re raising a human who just might change it.
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Relevant Resources:
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