You’re rushing to respond to an email. Dinner’s half-started. The laundry buzzer is going off. The baby is crying. And suddenly, it starts.
The yelling. The blaming. The shoving.
The kind of sibling argument that feels like nails on a chalkboard.
You call out a warning from the kitchen, trying to stay calm. But your voice tightens. You hear another scream, then a slap. And before you even realize it, you’re in the room...shouting, threatening, overwhelmed.
Here’s what most parents think in that moment:
“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I handle this better?”
But here’s what’s actually true:
You’re not failing. You’re triggered.
And there is a way to parent beyond your triggers. It takes work, but I promise you: it's worth it.
Many parents find resources like Triggers by Amber Lia helpful for calming their overreactions. And while her approach is rooted in faith-based principles, many search for a more psychologically-informed path toward self-discovery. That’s exactly what we explore in my book, Parent Yourself First. 4 chapters focus on helping you heal your wounds so you can parent from a less triggered and more attuned place. Additionally, I have an entire chapter dedicated to the most current recommendations for supporting the sibling dynamic and your family life as a whole. Here's what Kelbi S. had to say about Parent Yourself First.
What Are Parenting Triggers?
Parenting triggers are intense emotional responses that arise in reaction to your child’s behavior. They happen often before your rational mind can even catch up.
For example, a client told me that she told her child not to grab the shelf. When he did it anyway, she reacted by smacking him. Then she wallowed in the guilt and shame for having hurt him, and for feeling so out-of-control herself. All while having to repair the rupture she just caused.
Could this have been avoided? Technically, yes…but it’s not so black and white.
Here's the thing about triggers:
- They’re not about the present moment.
- They’re rooted in our past experiences (most notably, childhood).
- And they show up unexpectedly.
Some parents explode (Fighters).
Some get anxious and try to control (Fixers).
Some leave the room (Fleers).
Others go numb (Freezers).
Your nervous system chooses what it thinks will protect you the best.
And while these reactions may feel “bad,” they’re actually messages. I want you to get into the habit of judging your reactions to your kids less, and instead being curious about the meaning behind your reaction.
Why Your Triggers Don’t Mean You’re a Bad Parent
The slap between siblings isn’t what pushed you over the edge.
It was everything before it: The overwhelm. The pressure to get it all done. The never-ending demands.
But we can also go deeper. Perhaps it was also the echoes of a childhood where conflict wasn’t safe. Or, was never resolved.
Many parents resist the idea that they are triggered by their children's very normal shenanigans. Often I hear, "I'm not triggered, it's that my kid isn't listening to me, and I need them to listen!"
So, how do you know if you are, in fact, triggered by your child?
- You're overreacting to your child's behavior or emotion that is developmentally to be expected.
- You expect your child to regulate, reason, or comply in ways that are beyond their developmental capacity.
- Your reaction feels bigger than the moment...like something old is being stirred up.
- You notice yourself thinking or sounding like your own parents (especially the parts you wanted to avoid).
- You regret what you've said or done and wish you could go back and do things differently.
- You focus more on controlling your child’s behavior than understanding their needs.
- You find it hard to stay present or calm, even when you know what you “should” do.
By doing the important work of understanding your triggers, you grow to become more empowered to respond with clarity, consistency, and connection - or, what I like to call, The 3C's of Effective Discipline (discussed in depth in Parent Yourself First).
Step One: Understand Your Own Mind First
Before correcting the behavior, turn inward and ask yourself:
What am I thinking, feeling, and needing in this moment?
Maybe you’re thinking: “I can’t do this right now.” That's okay. Give yourself compassion if you're feeling burned or checked out. Modern day parents are in a mental health crisis and the world feels chaotic and insecure as we witness division and civil unrest. You may not be consciously aware of all that you're holding, but sometimes it's just enough to acknowledge our personal limits and learn how to be with that discomfort.
Maybe you’re feeling overstimulated, helpless, angry. That's also okay. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You're allowed to feel your feelings, even though you're learning not to act them out.
Maybe you need quiet, support, or even just one minute to breathe. Again, compassion, grace, and inner-kindness is how I encourage you to respond to yourself. Plus, the more you do, the more likely it is that your child will respond to their negative feelings in a similar way. After all, children learn by mimicking what we model.
This is a foundational practice taught in Parent Yourself First. It seems basic, but I assure you, it's not. This is the most under-utilized parenting tool I've observed in my practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist. Parents who build a self-awareness practice find themselves reacting less and less over time with their children.
You are much more likely to reenact the very patterns you wish to break when you are not aware of your thoughts, feelings, and needs...especially in a triggering, overwhelming moment.
When you are able to recognize what's happening within you, you will be able to reclaim your power (without becoming an authoritarian, of course!) and choose your next move.
Step Two: Get Curious About Your Child’s Inner World
When one child hits another, it’s easy to zero in on the behavior. In fact, changing a child's behavior has been the primary focus of parenting interventions for the past several decades.
And yet, it hasn't improved family functioning.
Here's why:
Behavior is always communication. And it's our job to decode what the child's behavior is attempting to tell us.
Ask yourself:
What might my child be thinking, feeling, and needing in this moment?
Maybe one sibling was feeling excluded or rejected.
Maybe the other didn’t know how to say no with words.
Maybe both were dysregulated and unsure how to stop.
This shift from blame to curiosity is what makes peaceful parenting work so beautifully.
Step Three: Connect Before You Correct
Once you’ve taken stock of your inner world and your child’s likely experience, it’s time to reconnect.
That doesn’t mean skipping over the behavior. Completely unaddressing behavior - or making excuses for poor behavior - is what permissive parents do. But here at Conscious Mommy, I do not advocate for permissive parenting, given its documented poor child outcomes.
Of course, solely addressing the behavior, especially in a dictator "My way or the highway!" style, is what authoritarian parents do, and this is also something I don't advocate for given the negative outcomes associated.
Being a conscious parent means that we're committed to addressing challenging situations and everyday conflict in a way that preserves emotional safety.
You might say:
“You hit your brother, and that tells me something really big was going on in your body. I wonder if you were feeling frustrated or left out? It’s not okay to hurt someone, so let's make it right with your brother. Then, let’s help your body feel safe again.”
You can set limits while still validating your child’s experience. As long as you're clear about your expectations, connected and warm in your tone, and consistent in your response, your kids will come to trust that when they mess up, they won't be punished.
They will see that their leader - you - will help them discover better ways to solve problems. They will trust your guidance and leadership, because they know that what you have to offer will be helpful and supportive (rather than shaming, blaming, or reactive).
Teaching is what true discipline is. These everyday moments are excellent opportunities to learn how to navigate important life skills like reading social cues, regulating our emotions, communicating effectively, and working together to resolve conflict.
The Result? More Peaceful Parenting Moments
When you understand why you're so triggered, your reactions naturally start to change.
When you respond with connection, your child learns to trust not just you, but their own inner world, too.
And the home environment you’re building becomes emotionally safer, more peaceful, and more joyful.
Even if you didn't come from a peaceful family, a peaceful family can come from you.
From one cycle breaking, quick-to-react parent to another...you are built for this.
Don't give up on knowing yourself, as it's the key to better understanding your kids and creating the home life you truly desire.
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 Let Go of Your Triggers Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.
