I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom. I had just flown in from LA to Pittsburgh for the holidays and was hopeful that this family visit might be more enjoyable than ones from the past.
Right out the gate, as if no time had passed, she asked, "You sure you wanna eat that?" as I reached for a Christmas cookie. Judging and criticizing my "lack of self-discipline" with food was a feature of our relationship.
"You made it gluten-free...special for me, Ma. Yeah...I want to eat it."
Her eyes looked at my belly, then back up to my face before rolling them with a sigh, "Fine. I'm just trying to inspire you to lose a little weight, that's all. You would look better if you did."
I was in my early-20's. I weighed 145 pounds at the time.
A crime, I know. How dare I?!
I didn't know how to respectfully communicate my boundaries like I do now. So, I snapped at her: "Why would you bake cookies for me specifically if you think I'm too fat to eat them?!"
She took the bait, "Stop being so overdramatic! I'm just playin' with you! You're no fun anymore."
These are the types of words that parents say when their children stop living their lives for them...and start living their lives for themselves.
When kids realize that no matter how hard they try…
they’ll never measure up to the expectations their parents silently scripted for them.
Every cycle breaker I know has heard something to the effect of:
- You've changed.
- You're different.
- You think you're better than us.
- You're making this such a big deal.
- You're so sensitive now.
- Why can't you take a joke?
I stopped being "fun" for my mother when I was no longer willing to be psychologically abused by her. When I started to push back against the constant judgment and critique, I heard things like:
- That's not how it happened.
- You're re-writing history.
- I did everything for you.
- I guess I'm just the worst mom ever then, huh?
Had I waited for my mother's approval to begin my healing journey, I'd be very ill - or unalive - right now.
Because all I've ever wanted...
Ever since I was a little girl...
Was to be seen as worthy. As enough.
By her.
Specifically.
But my healing started when I turned all that energy inward and realized:
I don’t need to be agreeable to be lovable.
I don’t need to be pleasing to be worthy.
I don’t need to be approved of to belong to myself.
Because people-pleasing didn’t keep me safe.
It kept me small. Disconnected. Tired.
That little girl within - who once thought love had to be earned by staying quiet, nice, and agreeable - finally realized:
She was never the problem.
Breaking generational cycles is courageous work.
But it often makes you the target of subtle guilt, passive-aggressive comments, or outright rejection from the very people whose love you were conditioned to earn.
The discomfort is real.
So is your freedom.
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Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of Parental Approval?
From a young age, many children learn that safety, love, and acceptance are tied to how well they can adapt to and survive their immediate environment. That means pleasing, fixing, soothing, and minimizing their needs to keep the peace.
This dynamic becomes even more deeply entrenched in families shaped by generational trauma, addiction, or emotional neglect. Under these circumstances, children grow into adults who fear that asserting themselves will shatter the fragile family structure they’ve spent their lives trying to hold together.
But here’s the truth:
Family systems are supposed to hold you.
When dysfunction, unresolved trauma, and unhealthy dynamics go unaddressed, the system can’t hold you - because it wasn’t built to.
This creates a chronic sense of insecurity that lingers into adulthood.
You might find yourself:
- Avoiding intimacy or pulling away when relationships get close
- Feeling desperate for connection or over-attached in friendships
- Struggling with a deep sense of not belonging anywhere
- Feeling isolated, even when surrounded by people
- Wanting to be understood, but too afraid of judgment to show your true self
At the core of these patterns is something tender and often unspoken:
the need for approval.
When love felt conditional growing up - based on how quiet, helpful, agreeable, or "good" you were - it makes sense that your nervous system would equate approval with safety.
Being approved meant staying connected. Being disapproved of? Emotional distance, criticism, or worse.
So you adapted.
People-Pleasing as a Survival Strategy
People-pleasing isn’t a flaw.
It’s a strategy - a highly intelligent one - that kept you safe in unpredictable emotional environments.
It's also largely socially encouraged - especially if you're a woman. Even more so if you're the first-born (or only-born) daughter.
(I swear, I'm not a bitter first-born, overly responsible, type A, perfectionist, parent-pleasing, people-pleasing daughter!)
((Okay, yes I am...))
In homes shaped by intergenerational trauma, emotional volatility, or high control, children often learn to:
- Preempt others’ needs before they express their own
- Smooth over tension to avoid conflict
- Stay agreeable to preserve connection
- Dismiss their boundaries to maintain harmony
Over time, this creates adults who fear being seen as difficult, selfish, or “too much.”
And it locks them into roles that feel familiar...but are also deeply unfulfilling.
You become the peacemaker.
The anxious fixer.
The one who holds it all together.
Until one day… you can’t.
Because pleasing everyone else is costing you yourself.
What Makes Cycle-Breakers Different?
People who successfully break intergenerational trauma do something radical:
They stop choosing comfort over truth.
They risk rejection in favor of authenticity.
They choose boundaries over approval.
They’re willing to grieve the family they wanted in order to protect the family they’re raising.
This doesn’t mean becoming cold or cutting people off without cause. It means relating with clarity and self-respect, even when others push back.
When I picked up that Christmas cookie and ate it - without any shame - I was breaking our family curse that equated eating for pleasure with moral failure.
And when I didn’t go back to the kitchen later that night to sneak more, I defied the psychological grip that food restriction had on me for most of my childhood.
Why Breaking the Cycle Feels Like Betrayal
In my family - and in many of the families I work with - there’s an unspoken code:
If you go against the grain, you’re the problem.
You're the one betraying everyone else.
You're the outsider.
No wonder cycle breaking can feel intimidating and scary.
But when you stop playing the role your family assigned to you - peacemaker, helper, overachiever - you begin to release the trauma of loyalty for loyalty’s sake.
And start showing up for yourself in all the ways you needed as a kid.
Families often resist change.
And the hard truth is, most people won’t change just because you asked them to.
Unless the change directly benefits them, many people will choose the comfort of familiarity - even if that familiarity is painful for someone else.
It might sound selfish.
But it’s also human. We all have ego wounds we’re constantly confronting.
When you step out of the dysfunction and refuse to repeat harmful patterns with your own children, you’re not betraying your roots.
You’re honoring them in the most meaningful way: by transforming them.
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How Do You Break Generational Cycles Without Parental Support?
Many parents wonder:
Is it still possible to heal if my parents never change?
Yes. You do not need their validation to do this work.
Here’s what actually helps:
- Accepting limitations without excusing harm: Your parents may have done the best they could - and still, maybe it wasn't enough for you. You can honor the truth of both.
- Letting go of the fantasy: Waiting for an apology, a breakthrough, or a perfect family reunion can keep you stuck. Release this illusion so you can get back to your personal needs, wants, and desires out of this one life that you get to live.
- Rooting into your own values: Define who you want to be as a person and a parent - and let that guide you, not outdated family expectations.
Practical Steps to Break Generational Trauma
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Boundaries are not punishments. And they're not controlling. Boundaries state what you will do to protect your needs, emotional safety, and well-being. You can be warm and firm at the same time: “I’m not okay with being yelled at. Let’s revisit this conversation when we’re both calm.”
2. Feel the Grief
There’s grief in letting go of roles you once used to survive. Don’t rush through it. Naming what hurts and learning how to be with the discomfort are essential steps toward the deep healing you seek.
3. Validate Your Own Experience
When others invalidate your pain, it doesn’t make your pain less real...but it can teach you to keep minimizing your real experiences. To counter this conditioning, practice honoring your emotions rather than putting yourself down: “It makes sense I feel this way.”
4. Choose Connection Over Compliance With Your Child
As you heal, you will recognize that a warm tone and genuine desire to understand your child will lead to a far more productive outcome than by simply demanding compliance.
Why Generational Healing Is Hard But Worth It
Healing isn’t just emotional work. It’s ancestral work. When you break generational patterns of trauma, abandonment, or emotional neglect, you’re not only changing your life.
You’re changing the lives of your children and theirs.
And yes, it’s hard.
It takes strength to stop people-pleasing. To unlearn survival-based behaviors. To be the first in your family to say, “This ends with me.”
Patterns stop repeating themselves once parents stop repeating themselves.
You are not responsible for how your family responds to your healing.
You are responsible for doing the work - to break the cycles, protect your mental health, and parent in a way that feels aligned with your values.
You don’t need them to understand. You just need to keep going. You're built for this, I promise.
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 Let Go of Your Inner People Pleaser Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
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