You ask your child to put on their shoes. They glare at you, cross their arms, and refuse to move.
Or, maybe they're so engrossed in their puzzling, it's as if you're invisible.
You repeat yourself.
Heels dig in. They charge back, "Why do I have to listen to you?"
You feel the heat rise in your chest. "Because I said so!" bubbles up.
The familiar dance of the power struggle begins, a common battle between the strong willed child and the exhausted parent.
When a child refuses your direction or pushes back against you, it's tempting to label them as "difficult" or "defiant."
But what if defiance isn't a problem to fix, but a symptom of something deeper?
We discuss defiance, disrespect, back-talk, and over-reacting to our kids (especially our strong-willed ones!) every month inside the Conscious Mommy Community. Join us for our Parenting Strong-Willed Kids Coaching Call the first Wednesday of every month, and finally master the tools you need to stop living in daily power struggles, and start leading your family with calm, clarity, and unwavering confidence. Can't join live? No problem! Every class is recorded and available for you to watch anytime during your membership.
Understanding Strong-Willed Children: What Defiance Really Means
I used to work with a 6-year-old boy we'll call Jeremy (identities concealed for confidentiality).
During our initial appointment, his parents told me that he never listened to anything they said. He was extremely oppositional, intentionally destructive, and fiercely defiant.
They were exhausted and completely out of ideas. They had no idea how to "control" this child, and they sincerely worried for his future.
The parents yelled, threatened, punished with time-outs, spanked occasionally, and removed privileges liberally. Both mom and dad were high strung, easily distracted, seemingly overwhelmed, and didn't seem to know how to cope with their own stress...let alone their child's stress.
They came to me with the traditional parenting outlook: they saw their child as the problem. The one who needed fixing.
Traditional parenting paradigms do not examine the role the parent's nervous system plays on the child’s developing nervous system, even though children very much require their parents to be attuned enough to their inner world for them to effectively regulate (and cooperate).
They came into treatment hoping I would align with them. Hoping I would see their child as defiant. Hoping I would make him less so.
But I'm going to be bold and just say it:
Your child’s defiance is not the problem.
The problem is our perception. And the good news is: our perception can shift.
Strong Willed Kids Reveal Your Unhealed Wounds
We are often too afraid to look inward and see the ways our parenting choices may be contributing to our child’s defiance, as in Jeremy’s family situation.
And because of this, we project the problem outward onto our children, thus perpetuating cycles of toxic shaming and blaming.
I know you’re a cycle breaker. That’s why you’re here.
Here’s how I helped Jeremy and his family break the cycle of disconnection, and get them back into a place of deeper listening and mutual cooperation, all without Mom and Dad losing themselves in the process. I think it will help you, too.
First, I taught the parents to recognize how their triggers increased Jeremy's distress.
For instance, in one session, Jeremy wanted a toy. Mom snapped, “How do you ask?” Jeremy immediately became hyperactive and out of control. He started throwing anything he could get his hands on, and was seemingly out of sorts.
Mom snapped more, “What are you doing? Why are you acting like that?”
Then she turned to me, “See, this is what I have to deal with.” Meanwhile, she was short of breath, frustrated, and clearly ready to fight.
None of her approaches were effective. There was poor communication, ineffective boundaries, and both Jeremy and Mom were feeling disconnected, disengaged, and dysregulated.
So, I modeled for both of them how to ground ourselves in a stressful moment with a slow, intentional, big breath. This energetic shift got his attention. For a moment, he stopped throwing long enough to look at me. Then, I said: “You wanted the toy, and then your body got stressed out when mom wanted you to ask for it differently.”
He replied, “Well, it’s not like she ever says please, but I have to always say it. I don’t like that.”
This child - in this particular moment - became ‘defiant’ from the outside looking in due to his feelings of injustice and inequity in the child-parent relationship. He’s 6 years old…and this is an appropriate dynamic for a 6 year old to observe in their relationships.
I spoke to his needs for fairness: “I see. It doesn’t seem fair to you that she told you to ask politely, because you don’t feel like the standard is the same for her. That makes sense.”
He nodded and then put his head down. Mom rubbed his back and said, “I’m sorry bud if you feel like I’m bossing you around. I can see why it comes across this way. And I want to find better ways for us to work together.”
Bingo. This is exactly the recipe for every parent to utilize when a child is defiant. We want to find a way to work together.
What Causes a Child to Be Strong-Willed?
Strong-willed kids are not "bad" kids. In fact, their behavior often signals a healthy drive for autonomy, fairness, and emotional validation. These children are often deeply sensitive, perceptive, and highly attuned to inconsistencies in their environment. When they feel unheard, controlled, or powerless, they react strongly — not out of malice, but out of a need to restore internal safety and balance.
Traditional parenting approaches often escalate the issue by attempting to "break" a child's will, resulting in more intense power struggles and long-term relational damage.
A strong-willed temperament can be influenced by several factors:
- Innate personality traits: Some kids are born more spirited, persistent, and passionate.
- Environmental influences: High-stress or inconsistent environments can heighten the need for control.
- Developmental needs: Autonomy is a normal, healthy drive, especially in toddlers and teens.
Strong-willed children need positive parenting strategies that honor their independence to nurture their full potential.
How to Parent an Extremely Strong-Willed Child
In my book, Parent Yourself First, I have several chapters dedicated to helping you unlearn the traditional approach to discipline and relearn a more modern, authoritative way instead. My method is simple, and only requires that you remember three simple steps. It's called the PCC, which stands for Pause, Connect, Collaborate.
1. Pause
Before addressing your child's behavior, pause and check your own internal state. Are you feeling triggered? Are you communicating calm and confidence, or stress and frustration?
Children mirror our emotional energy. Remaining regulated is the first step to resolving any power struggle.
2. Connect
Narrate what you see happening for your child without judgment. This validates your child's experience and reduces their need to resist.
Example: "I'm noticing you're having a hard time getting started. I wonder if something feels unfair or frustrating right now?"
By offering curiosity instead of control, you invite collaboration over compliance.
3. Collaborate
Instead of barking orders, frame your expectations collaboratively.
Example: "We need to leave in 5 minutes. What’s your plan for getting ready?"
For young children, this might mean guiding the process more directly. For older kids, it's about trusting them to take ownership with support if needed.
The Key to Managing Power Struggles: Hold the Feeling, Hold the Line
Strong-willed children often have intense emotional experiences. Your role is to acknowledge their feelings while maintaining firm, loving boundaries.
Example Scripts:
- "You feel upset that you can’t have more screen time. And, it’s important we stick to the limits we agreed on."
- "You’re frustrated we're leaving the park. And, it's time to go home to rest."
- "You wish ice cream was for dinner! And, dinner tonight is chicken, rice, and veggies."
When you acknowledge their inner world and stay steady with your limits, you build trust, safety, and resilience.
Preventing Meltdowns with Strong-Willed Kids
Prevention strategies help steer the day in a smoother direction:
- Meet basic needs: Ensure everyone in your family (you included!) gets regular nourishment, hydration, and rest.
- Plan sensory breaks: Movement, water play, or nature breaks help release tension.
- Offer choices: Let kids participate in decision-making when possible.
Intervention when a meltdown is brewing:
- Talk low, talk slow, talk very little. Too many words overwhelm an already dysregulated brain.
- Set physical boundaries calmly. "I can't let you hit me."
- Focus on presence over correction. Your calm body language does more than a thousand lectures.
Why Am I So Triggered When My Child Doesn't Listen?
Your child's resistance often awakens old wounds of feeling unheard, powerless, or disrespected from our own childhoods. Conscious Parenting invites you to see your child's behavior not as personal rejection, but as an invitation to heal, grow, and lead differently.
You are not failing because your child is strong-willed. You are being called to parent with greater self-awareness, compassion, and strength.
Raising a Strong and Independently Thinking Child
Your strong-willed child has a gift: the ability to think independently, advocate for fairness, and persevere through challenges. By guiding them with respect and resilience, you not only nurture these traits into powerful assets for adulthood, but you build an unshakable bridge between the two of you. A bridge constructed with understanding, compassion, and unwavering connection, so your child always knows they are safe to be fully themselves with you.
And yes, it’s hard work. I see you. You’re doing the work that matters most. Keep going. And when you need more support, the Conscious Mommy Community is here to guide you along the way. Whether your child is a newborn or up to 12 years old, we're here for you. Whether they are anxious perfectionists, strong-willed, neurodivergent, or struggling at home, school, or friendships, we have evidence-based tools that will support you. If it's you that needs help with feeling calmer and more content with how you raise your kiddos, you will be prioritized and cared for in our membership. See you inside!
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 Ending Power Battles Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
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