It happens in a flash: one moment, you’re managing the chaos, and the next, your voice is rising. The kids aren’t listening. Someone is screaming, "That's mine!" Someone else is crying, "I had it first!"
And before you even realize it, you’re yelling again, even though you swore you wouldn’t.
You tell yourself to be more patient. To breathe. To try harder tomorrow. But tomorrow comes, and you’re still yelling.
Most parents don’t yell because they’re trying to punish their kids. They yell because they’re overwhelmed, overstimulated, and holding it together by a thread.
But when the yelling happens, it doesn’t feel like a momentary loss of control. It feels like failure. And many parents tend to be very unforgiving of their shortcomings.
Why does it feel like a failure? Because somewhere along the way, many parents came to believe that “good” parents don’t yell.
And if you keep yelling? That must mean you're really bad at this.
Here’s the truth: yelling isn’t a sign that you're a bad parent. It's a sign that your nervous system is over capacity.
But I also want to be clear: yelling isn't caused by your child's behavior. Yelling is caused by the emotional overload building in your body: the stress, the unmet needs, the simmering pressure that eventually explodes.
And here’s what’s even more important: the more overwhelmed you are, the more dysregulated your child becomes.
What you don't need are more daily reminders to be patient. If those worked, this article wouldn't be necessary.
Patience isn’t a personality trait. It’s a byproduct of regulation. And regulation requires capacity.
Most parents lack the capacity to stay grounded through the chaos and shenanigans of raising children. Expanding that capacity means learning to anchor in your body, tend to your stress, and show up with the presence that drew you to parenthood in the first place: love.
🎉 In my book, Parent Yourself First, I teach you concrete tools in an accessible, easy way to help you manage your overwhelm so you can stop exploding and start connecting better with your kids. The methods I teach work. But don't just take it from me. Here's what Katie shared about the book:
I'm so grateful for all of the incredible reviews and testimonials that have been pouring in. It means so much to me to know that Parent Yourself First is touching so many lives across the globe! What an honor it is to be amongst so many amazing conscious parents. I'm so proud of you!
Why Parents Yell (Even When They Don’t Want To)
Yelling often comes from a moment of emotional flooding: a state where your brain’s thinking center shuts down and your survival brain takes over. The world renown neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel calls this flipping your lid. In these moments, logic disappears, and instinct kicks in.
You're not choosing to yell. You're reacting to your stress.
Many modern parents are trying to parent through chronic, enduring stress. And they're attempting to do it all with a smile.
We're overworked, overstimulated, sleep deprived, and carrying the invisible weight of intense emotional labor. This is also occurring during an incredibly difficult time socially and politically, especially if you're in the United States. If you're paying attention to what's happening, it's almost impossible to feel "okay" right now. We'd like to think we are immune to it all, but unfortunately, we cannot escape the impact of social and cultural forces upon us, no matter how hard we try.
Over time, these personal, social, and cultural stressors dysregulate your nervous system and reduce your capacity to stay calm in the moment.
When you’re already running on empty, your child’s defiance or meltdowns don’t just feel frustrating. They feel threatening.
What Happens When You Yell at Your Kids
Yelling may get short-term compliance, but it undermines long-term emotional development and relational security. Here’s why it doesn’t “work”:
- It activates your child’s stress response. Their body goes into fight, flight, or freeze. Rather than staying in learning mode where you can guide them to cooperation, you end up getting more push-back and power struggle.
- It creates fear, not respect. Kids might stop what they’re doing, but it’s out of fear, not understanding or mutual respect.
- It disrupts connection. Yelling damages relational safety and can erode trust over time. Kids start to question if we really love them. Or, they learn that screaming at each other is "just what love looks like," like my 7-year-old client told me once.
- It models dysregulation. Kids learn how to respond to stress by watching you. When they see yelling, they’re more likely to yell, too.
- It increases shame. Over time, children may internalize harsh tones as their inner voice, which can contribute to anxiety or low self-esteem.
Why Yelling Becomes a Pattern
Many parents feel stuck in a cycle of yelling, guilt, and resolve to “do better.” But without nervous system support, behavior change isn’t sustainable.
Yelling becomes the default when:
- Your basic needs are consistently unmet
- You feel powerless to create change
- You’re navigating unresolved childhood wounds
- You lack tools for emotional regulation in the moment
Yelling isn’t about personal willpower. If it were, you would have stopped by now.
Nervous system dysregulation isn’t something you can ignore or push through, even though many parents feel like they have no choice. With so many tasks and responsibilities to manage, self-regulation often falls to the bottom of the list.
But if you want to stop yelling, you have to address what’s happening inside your body. Clinical psychologists and therapists around the world agree: real behavior change happens when the nervous system feels safe, supported, and regulated.
How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids
You want to be the lead authority of calm for your kids. But the truth is, kids don’t need parents who never lose their cool. They need parents who recognize when they’re dysregulated, take accountability, and return to connection.
That kind of emotional leadership starts with awareness: noticing what’s happening internally, before it spills outward. And it’s sustained through regulation: the practice that helps you come back to center when you’re pushed to the edge.
This is the work that builds true resilience. Not just for your child, but for you.
Here’s where you begin:
1. Acknowledge the Pattern Without Shame
You can’t change what you don’t notice. Begin by observing when yelling tends to happen. What time of day? What behaviors trigger you? What’s going on internally right before you raise your voice? Yelling isn't the first sign of dysregulation, so pay attention to the build up within you.
2. Support Your Nervous System First
Incorporate practices that bring your system back to baseline. You will need to discover things that feel best for you. Here are some things I've taught my clients:
- Exhale slowly like you’re blowing out a candle
- Step outside (even for 30 seconds) and watch a tree sway in the breeze
- Name what you’re feeling out loud (⭐️ Parent Yourself First teaches you how to Name Frame Claim your way through every emotional moment you encounter)
- Place a hand somewhere safe on your body (i.e.: your chest or belly) and focus on the pleasant, comforting sensation it brings
3. Shift the Focus Away from Your Child’s Behavior
When kids act out, they’re expressing unmet needs. Instead of focusing on controlling their behavior, ask:
- What is my child trying to communicate right now?
- What do I need in this moment to stay regulated?
4. Repair When You Do Yell
Repair is powerful. No one likes being yelled at, and it's important that parents take accountability to repair the rupture yelling causes. A repair might sound like:
“I yelled, and that probably felt scary. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I’m working on calming down in a different way.”
Repair teaches children emotional responsibility and preserves connection.
Is Yelling Ever Okay?
Yelling is a nervous system response, and sometimes it is unavoidable. What matters most is whether it’s the exception or the rule.
If yelling is frequent in your home, it’s not a sign you’re failing. It’s a sign your nervous system needs care, and your family dynamic needs support.
There are no perfect parents. But there are conscious ones, like you and I, who are willing to reflect, regulate, and repair.
You Don’t Need More Patience. You Need More Support.
If you’re ready to break the yelling cycle, stop trying to “be better” (you're already a good parent) and start tending to the root of your reactivity. When you do that, calm becomes accessible. Connection becomes easier. And parenting feels less like a fight and more like the relationship you've always desired to share with your children.
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Relevant Resources:
🔗 Regulation: How to Calm Your Nerves and Help Your Child Exclusive Access inside the Conscious Mommy Community
📘Parent Yourself First: In stores now – order your copy and learn how to Raise Confident, Compassionate Kids By Becoming the Parent You Wish You’d Had. The guidance is practical, actionable, and straightforward. Your path to healing starts now.
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