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Even though you've said no 5 times, your toddler still grabs the remote... and laughs, maniacally I might add. Or they slap a friend who took the last block - just after agreeing to "no hitting" a minute ago.
Your preschooler takes a toy out of their sibling's hand - even after they just promised to "wait their turn". Or, maybe they're like my preschooler, who ripped open a gift bag at a birthday party, even though he knew it wasn't his...but he really wanted the stuffed octopus so it was perfectly okay to do so.
It's common to witness elementary-aged children shouting out answers in their classrooms, despite repeated reminders to raise their hands. Or, pushing a classmate after losing a game, even though you just reviewed the rules of being a "good sportsman" (which, should be changed to sportsperson, but I digress).
Even tweens struggle with impulse control issues. They send texts they immediately regret without thinking through the consequences. They interrupt a family conversation because "they couldn't wait" to tell the story. They reflexively blame their sibling for their mistake. Some even purchase an online game without asking for permission (despite multiple talks about it).
These moments can leave you - the parent - feeling frustrated, embarrassed, or even concerned about your child's future.
Impulse control isn't something kids "just know" how to do. It's a skill that develops slowly over time, and for many children, especially those dealing with attention difficulties or underlying mental health conditions like ADHD, it can take even longer to fully emerge. What looks like "bad behavior" is often a child's brain doing exactly what it's wired to do: act first, think later.
Here's the thing about impulse control: Children can't grow what they haven't been shown. Yes, your leadership makes a huge difference in how your child develops this skill.
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Impulse control isn't built overnight. But with the right support, your child can learn to pause, reflect, and choose better. Let's learn how to do just that.
Understanding Poor Impulse Control in Children
Poor impulse control is a developmental issue, not a moral one. Many kids have poor impulse control, because the part of their brain responsible for self-regulation (i.e.: the prefrontal cortex, the center for all things planning, organizing, and executing) is still under construction. In fact, the ability to fully pause and consider consequences doesn't solidify until early adulthood.
Furthermore, for children with mental health conditions like ADHD, impulse control issues are often even more pronounced. For neurodivergent children specifically, it's not about willpower; it's about brain wiring. We have to stop blaming these children for their developmental differences, and instead take a more active, supportive approach.
When impulsive behaviors surface, your child isn't being willfully defiant. They're showing you that a key skill needs nurturing - self-regulation. There are 4 chapters in my book, Parent Yourself First, that are dedicated to helping you better understand the motivations, needs, and emotions beneath your child's behaviors. Listen to the audio, download it on your kindle, buy it from your local bookstore, or rent it at your library. If you're parenting your children differently from how you were raised, you need this book.
What Causes Impulsive Behavior in Children?
Several factors usually contribute to impulsive behaviors in children:
- Brain Development: Executive function skills, like planning and self-control, mature gradually. The brain is fully mature by 25 years old for neurotypical children; around 28 years old for children with ADHD.
- ADHD and Other Mental Health Conditions: Children with ADHD often experience significant challenges with impulse control. They are also often blamed and shamed for these challenges, adding insult to injury.
- Emotional Dysregulation: Kids who struggle to manage big feelings often act before thinking. If your kid is 5 or under, acting before thinking is the rule, not the exception.
- Environmental Stress: Family changes, school pressures, poor nutrition, and sleep deprivation can all impact a child's ability to regulate impulses.
If your kiddo is having trouble controlling their impulses, it doesn't necessarily mean a mental health condition. But it does mean they need extra support. They need us to help them slow down, think things through, and make a new choice.
For example, it's not enough to tell a 4 year old to stop snatching someone else's toy and to share instead. They need you to get down on the floor with them and help them maneuver this task if you want them to eventually be successful at it.
Just like we don't expect kids to be A+ readers the first time they pick up a book, we also need to respect this part of the social-emotional learning process.
Examples of Impulsive Behavior in Children
Recognizing impulsive behaviors can help you intervene more effectively. Some common examples include:
- Interrupting conversations
- Grabbing toys from peers
- Shouting out answers in class
- Hitting when frustrated
- Running off in crowded places
These behaviors are often symptoms of underlying developmental needs, not "bad manners" or "naughtiness." This is why punishments and consequences like removing privileges don't usually change impulsive behavior. Your kids aren't intending to cause harm or to be disruptive. They need skills to better manage their urges.
How Kids Develop Impulse Control Over Time
As children become more capable in controlling themselves, you'll notice your child pausing before acting, considering consequences, and using verbal strategies (i.e.: asking for help, naming their feelings) to regulate themselves. This shift doesn't happen automatically; it takes your modeling, their practice, and everyone's patience.
Typically, impulse control improves organically between ages 4 and 10. However, for children with attention deficit disorders or other mental health conditions, progress can be slower. Regardless, there are things you can do to support this aspect of your child's development.
The number one personal change you can make is modeling your own impulse control. For instance, when your child spills a full cup of juice right after you’ve mopped the floor, take a slow breath and calmly say, "Accidents happen. Let’s clean it up together," instead of immediately snapping. This is you leading by example. Considering that children are always watching (and thus always listening), it's imperative that we be the example we wish to see in them.
Practical Strategies to Teach Impulse Control
1. Solve Problems Together: Instead of imposing solutions, invite your child into the problem-solving process to help them learn how to think through challenges.
2. Delay Gratification: Practice small moments of waiting, like setting a timer before opening a snack, to build their "patience muscles" over time.
3. Play Impulse Control Games: Games like "Simon Says," "Red Light, Green Light," and "Freeze Dance" strengthen the brain's pause-and-plan skills.
4. Discuss Anger Management: Talk openly about what anger feels like and teach safe ways to express it before it becomes explosive.
5. Emotion Charades: Make learning about feelings fun through charades, helping kids recognize emotions in themselves and others.
6. Encourage Emotional Regulation: Normalize big feelings and coach your child through calming strategies rather than rushing them to "get over it."
7. Establish Household Rules: Consistent, predictable rules create a secure framework for self-control to grow.
8. Label Feelings: Teach your child to name what they feel in the moment, which helps bridge the gap between emotion and action.
9. Use Positive Reinforcement: Notice and celebrate when your child uses impulse control, even in tiny ways, to encourage repetition.
How to Support a Child With Impulsive Behavior at School
Impulsive behaviors impose a number of challenges in the school setting. Helping impulsive kids at school needs to be a collaborative effort. Teachers and parents can work together to:
- Provide clear, consistent rules
- Use positive reinforcement for self-control
- Break tasks into smaller steps
- Allow for movement breaks
If your child is having trouble in school, don't hesitate to advocate for interventions. Remember, under federal law (IDEA and Section 504), children with attention deficit or impulse control disorders have rights to support. Your advocacy can lead to their successful inclusion in school and help them learn to love their learning environment!
When to Seek Professional Help
If impulsive behaviors are severe, unsafe, or don't improve over time, a medical evaluation may be necessary. ADHD, anxiety disorders, and autism spectrum conditions can all impact self-control.
A medically reviewed diagnosis can open the door to targeted treatments that make a real difference. Therapy is a very effective intervention, so don't be afraid to seek professional support if you need it. In fact, impulse control problems are a common reason why parents seek dyadic and parenting therapy with me.
Growth Takes Time and Support
Impulse control in children is a marathon, not a sprint. Your child isn't broken or "bad". They are growing, and they will get the hang of their urges and impulses. With compassion, consistency, and the right tools, you can nurture your child's ability to pause, think, and choose.
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Relevant Resources:
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