Colton was playing on the balcony while my client, Jenna, was next to him, cozy in the sun, reading a book, finally taking a much-needed moment for herself.
She glanced to her right and saw Colton playing with her favorite ceramic vase.
"Don't touch that," she said.
Colton was just shy of four. And he couldn't help himself.
He grabbed the vase and threw it over the ledge.
CRASH!
Jenna jumped up, tense and furious. "Colton! I said no! What is wrong with you? Why did you do that?"
Colton turned his back, stomping away. She caught his arm and roared, "That was my favorite vase! Why would you throw it?"
She shook him as she screamed, "Get away from me!" and retreated into a pile of pillows and blankets – where she could hide and pretend that moment never happened.
Colton hung his head, his mouth trembling in a silent cry.
"I'm really damaging him, aren't I?" she asked me, her eyes searching for reassurance that she wasn’t a monster of a mom.
She's not. She's human. And the truth is – we've all been there.
Jenna snapped. She didn't want to lash out and withdraw in silence. But her body overrode her intention to stay calm, collected, and curious.
You know moments like this. Moments where you're suddenly not parenting your child – but you're reacting to something much older.
This is what it means to be triggered. A current situation stirs up unprocessed pain, unmet needs, or unresolved emotions from your own childhood. And while your child might be the spark, the fire is coming from somewhere else.
The tricky part? Your child’s behavior often does need attention. But when your nervous system is flooded, it’s hard to tell what’s a true parenting moment – and what’s a cue for healing yourself.
That’s why so many conscious parents feel stuck. Not because they’re failing – but because they’re carrying emotional patterns no one taught them how to hold with compassion and heal through relationship.
And this tug-of-war between reacting and responding is exactly what erodes safety, trust, and true connection within the family.
If you’re wondering:
- Why do I get so angry when my child doesn’t listen?
- Why do small things feel so overwhelming?
- How do I stop repeating the same reaction, even when I don’t want to?
There’s a reason. And there’s a path forward.
You weren’t meant to navigate this alone.
If no one ever showed you how to pause before the reaction, how to slow down the heat rising in your chest, or how to choose a different path than the one modeled for you – of course it feels hard.
But healing is possible.
⭐ ️ And that’s exactly why I wrote Parent Yourself First. To give you the tools, language, and self-compassion to break free from those old emotional reflexes and start showing up more regulated and more authentic.
Meeting your children's needs does not require that you abandon yourself. If you're snapping regularly, it’s often a sign you’ve already abandoned your own needs.
Let’s explore what’s really happening beneath the surface – so you can stop second-guessing your parenting and start responding with more confidence, clarity, and care.
When Parents Get Triggered
In parenting, being "triggered" means your child’s behavior activates an emotional response that’s disproportionate to the moment.
You might feel overwhelmed, enraged, shut down, or even panicked. It often happens before you even realize it.
It’s easy to pin your reactions on your child. "I wouldn't have screamed if you would have just listened to me the first time!" is something I think we've all said at least once...(today).
But these reactions aren't really about your kid. They're signals from your nervous system, shaped by your own childhood experiences and past emotional wounds.
When you haven’t had the chance to process your early environment – especially if it included emotional neglect, yelling, physical punishment, or unpredictability – those experiences live on, stored in your body.
These patterns became your primary mode of survival.
And when your child mirrors some of those old wounds – by being disrespectful, demanding, unpredictable – your system interprets it as danger.
Even if it’s just a normal part of child development.
Why Your Child’s Behavior Feels So Personal
Child Development 101 tells us: children test limits, cry loudly, resist transitions, and express big emotions – not to make your life harder, but to get their needs met.
But if your own needs were dismissed, denied, punished, or shamed growing up, your child’s behavior might feel like a threat rather than a perfectly healthy bid for connection.
For example:
- A whining toddler might awaken the memory of being punished for crying. “Go to your room!” they said. Suddenly, that same loneliness rises in your chest – and you just want it to stop. And because it was your toddler who stirred all of this up, it feels like they are the problem. So they need to stop.
- A defiant six-year-old might awaken the helplessness you felt with an authoritarian parent who never let you say no. Now you're faced with a kid who resists nearly everything you say. How dare they question your authority! You put your foot down and push back – but beneath the surface, you’re finally feeling the fight you were never allowed to have as a kid.
- A crying baby might activate your own unmet need for comfort. Maybe no one really cared for you beyond the basics – food, water, and shelter. And now, this whiny infant needs so much from you…all the time. You feel the urge to escape, but you can’t. You’re trapped. You thought this baby would make your life feel more whole. But now…everything just feels harder.
In these moments, you’re not just dealing with your child’s unmet needs. You’re navigating your own unhealed emotional terrain.
And that's why your child's behavior feels so personal.
The Link Between Triggers and Your Nervous System
Your nervous system keeps score of every threatening experience you’ve had. This is how it protects you from future harm.
The problem is – it creates a chronic feeling of hypervigilance and dysregulation, something many parents carry without even realizing it.
When you’re parenting from a dysregulated state, your body reacts as if the current moment is dangerous, even when it isn’t. You might:
- Fight (yelling, blaming, controlling)
- Flight (leaving the room, emotionally distancing)
- Freeze (shutting down, going numb)
- Appease (people-pleasing, over-accommodating)
And your child? They’re still learning how to interpret emotions. So your reaction becomes part of their nervous system blueprint.
The way we handle stress becomes the way our kids learn to handle it, too.
This is how intergenerational patterns silently repeat – unless you learn to pause, feel, and respond with self-awareness.
How to Tell If It’s a Trigger or a True Behavior Issue
So how do you know if it’s your child – or your own history – driving the moment?
Here’s a helpful test:
- Is my reaction bigger than the moment calls for?
- Am I trying to control their emotion – or support it?
- Does this moment remind me of something from my own childhood?
- Would I respond differently if I weren’t so depleted?
If your child’s behavior feels bigger than the moment calls for, it may not be about them at all – it may be your own nervous system sounding the alarm.
3 Practical Tools to Manage Your Triggers
1. Pause Before You Respond
When you notice the heat rising, pause. You don’t need to correct their behavior in that exact moment.
Your regulation is more urgent. Any lesson you try to teach while in fight, flight, freeze, or appease won’t land anyway.
Give yourself a beat. Take three slow breaths – in for 4, hold for 3, out for 7.
Step away if needed. "Mommy needs a minute to get her thinking cap on. I'll be right back."
Name your internal state: “I’m overwhelmed. I need a second.”
Each of these cues signals safety to your nervous system: We’re okay. We can slow down. We can handle this.
2. Track the Pattern
Keep a mental log – or jot a few notes – about when you feel most reactive. Is it during transitions? When your child cries? When they're defiant? At bedtime, when you’re exhausted?
Triggers follow patterns. Awareness is the first step to change.
The more clearly you can identify what specific moments activate your stress response, the more confidence you'll feel in shifting your behavior.
Look for the feeling underneath the reaction. That’s where the healing begins.
3. Parent Yourself First
When old pain resurfaces, offer yourself the compassion you needed back then. That might mean:
- A mantra: “I’m safe now. I don’t need to shut down.”
- A gesture: placing your hand over your heart or sensing the ground beneath your feet
- A choice: giving yourself a break before addressing your child
These small shifts help you stay connected to your child and to yourself – without collapsing into guilt or reactivity.
Plus, when you choose to parent yourself first, you protect your child from the weight of your unhealed wounds. You get to be gentle with yourself and show up for your child in the way they truly need. It's a win-win!
✨ My book, Parent Yourself First, goes into more depth on this process. You can find it at your local bookstore, library, or online in all formats.
What to Do If You’ve Already Reacted
You’re not failing if you lose your temper. Reactivity is a sign your body is overwhelmed – not a reflection of your love.
What matters most is repair:
- Name your feelings: “I was really upset earlier. That wasn’t your fault.”
- Take responsibility: “I didn’t like how I handled that. I’m working on staying calm, even when I feel upset.”
- Reconnect: A hug, eye contact, or a shared moment of play restores emotional safety.
This teaches your child that people can make mistakes and take accountability. This is vital for healthy, secure attachments between parents and children.
Healing Is the Bravest Thing You’ll Ever Do For Your Kids
Jenna didn’t scream because she’s broken. She screamed because no one ever taught her what to do with her anger – let alone how to meet a four-year-old’s chaos with calm.
And in the quiet that followed – vase shards scattered across her neighbor's walkway, her son sobbing into silence – she realized something that so many conscious parents come to see:
Good parenting isn’t just about discipline. Or boundaries. Or getting your kids to do what you say.
It’s about what’s unresolved inside you – and how bravely you’re willing to meet it.
You’re not here to get it right every time. You’re here to keep coming back.
The more you notice your parenting triggers, the more power you reclaim over how you show up for your kids, ultimately teaching them how to live with confidence, courage, and care.
Parent Yourself First isn’t just a book. It’s a guide for doing the work no one did for you – so you can give your child what you never received.
You can’t rewrite your childhood. But you can rewire what comes next.
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Relevant Resources:
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